The Cancer Chronicles Ep 4 Road to Round 4

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What's going on? Happy two Monday.

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It's Monday because Ra was on TV earlier. So happy Monday.

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This is another episode of the Knucklehead

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Chronicles presents the Cancer Chronicles. This is episode four.

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This is the road to round four of chemo, which will be this coming Friday.

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This episode is going to be a little different because I am doing it live on

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my Facebook page and on YouTube.

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So hopefully I get some viewers to come in and take a listen to what I'm talking about.

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Maybe, maybe not. I mean, who knows? But on this episode, though,

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I'm going to talk about, you know, how things are going so far.

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Just kind of give updates and things.

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So this is going to kind of be like a, how can I put it, like Tina Turner song.

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The beginning of this is going to start out real soft. The end of it is going

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to be a little rough, but just stay with me. Stay with me.

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So, like I said before, this is the road to round four. Round four is on a Friday.

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I always keep my chemo treatments.

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Chemo has been going okay. I haven't had any really bad adverse effects to chemo.

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Just a little bit of nausea, a lot of fatigue, though. I spend a lot of my time,

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especially after infusion, I spend a lot of my time under my covers, kind of just, you know.

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But what I want to talk about tonight though those of you that follow me on

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Facebook and that are friends of mine know that I have gone through,

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some crazy stuff over the last couple of days.

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And a lot of people, I get a lot of inboxes and phone calls and text messages

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from people that are like, really, you're going through all that?

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And you, and you're going through the cancer. Yeah. Yeah.

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But we'll get into that later. But what I want to discuss tonight is just,

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you know, the mindset going into another round of chemo.

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Now I will say this, my, there are a lot of times where people,

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I get these intrusive thoughts and I had a bunch of them today and the intrusive thoughts almost won.

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But what's important is when you're going through something like this,

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that you have to remember that the fight, it's your fight, right?

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And what you do or don't do not only affects you, but the people around you.

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And it took me a little while to get there, right? Because I've always figured,

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you know, whatever actions I take are my actions and they affect me only.

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But that's not true, right?

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It affects everyone else around me.

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I come to a lot of realizations. I'll be, those of you that don't know,

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I'll be 50, 50, the big 5-0 on April 3rd.

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Vote willing. I might get to April 3rd, but I'll be the big 5-0 on April 3rd.

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And I've come to a lot of realizations going into with the cancer treatments,

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dealing with certain people that were in my life that are no longer there,

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just dealing with things, you know, across the board.

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One of the main realizations that I came to as I was sitting in chemo,

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round three, this was last week,

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round three by myself, the realization I came to is that a lot of people that

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say they're there for you really aren't.

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And they're looking for a way to get at you.

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And it's okay to cut those people off.

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It really is. It's really okay to say, you know what? I'm just not going to do this with you.

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I'm not going to flow with you like this. And we're just going to end it here.

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No matter how abrupt it may seem to them, but for your mental health and for

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your physical health, for that matter, it's beneficial.

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And so for me, I had to come to a realization, sitting in round three,

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that I just had to cut people off because there are people that are for me,

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there are people that are against me.

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And even though things seemed well, and that was just the.

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That's what it's supposed to look, that's what it's supposed to do, I'm sorry.

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That's what it's supposed to do. It's supposed to look like it was all right.

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But in essence, it really wasn't.

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And the realization that I come to, and it's okay. I mean, to have these realizations

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at whatever age you come to them, but to come to a realization and say,

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you know what, I'm not doing this with you.

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My health is more important. I realized at this point in this gesture,

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at this point in my life, that what's important for me is staying alive to the

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best of my ability. You know.

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Doing the chemo, eating like I'm supposed to, drinking like I'm supposed to,

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doing everything I'm supposed to do, and praying that this mass shrinks,

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they can do surgery, and I can one day say and ring the bell and say that I'm cancer-free.

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That's the point, right?

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Anything outside of that is a distraction. Anything outside of that benefits

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me none, right? And so I need to learn, I had to learn how to stand on my own

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too, even though, you know, I'm so used to someone being there and someone...

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Advocating for me and this and that, and then having to learn how to advocate

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for myself and be there for myself.

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And this is for everyone who's listening. If you're going through something,

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man, it's okay to advocate for yourself.

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It's okay because nobody's going to do it like you anyways, right?

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Nobody's going to be that advocate, that true advocate for you, for you.

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And despite of, despite how much, you know, how hurtful it is or,

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because I went through a lot, I went through a lot and some people understand

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that, that know my story.

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Other folks, there's some folks that are watching this and listening to this

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and they're like, Terry, what the hell are you talking about?

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If you just go back and listen to the last three episodes.

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But I will say this, I harbor no ill will to anyone that has something negative to say about me.

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I harbor no ill will about anyone trying to paint a narrative that I'm a bad

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guy, I'm a bad parent, fraudulent.

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I've heard so many things over the past weekend. It's just really bananas.

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But what I'm learning is that, let me back up.

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My daughter posted on her Facebook page, she got this book, and the book is

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titled The Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

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I see it, and so I commented, and I was like, I need that book.

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They need to learn to do that.

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I've never mastered that. I've never mastered not giving a fuck.

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But, you know, going through this cancer, going through these cancer treatments,

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I say that, going through my cancer treatments and realizing that people aren't

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who they say they are, aren't who they portray.

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I'm learning that in this juncture in my life, it's about me and my health,

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and it's about me being okay mentally and physically.

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I've gone through a lot over the past couple, over all of 24,

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and then, you know, this year.

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I know that I can't allow people to dictate how I feel at any point in time.

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People are going to say what they want to say. People are going to have an opinion

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about you one way or the other. They're going to either like you or hate you.

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In one breath, they say, oh, we don't want anything to happen to them.

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But in the next breath, they're like, nigga, hope you die.

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You know what I'm saying? So it's, you know, people are going to be people.

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And so what I want people to do mostly is to search your circle.

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You know, be very leery. I wouldn't say leery, but be mindful of your circle.

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Because everybody in your circle really ain't for you.

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You know what I'm saying? They might say that. They might say that they're for you.

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There are a lot of people in your circle that's not really for you.

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They're just there for the show.

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They want to see what they can see. They want to keep you in proximity so that

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way they can be close to whenever something goes down, they can catch the remnants.

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But as I head into round four, my head is pretty clear.

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I had a lot of cloudy before because I thought that I had a level of support.

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I thought that I had someone who had my back.

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But, you know, a lot of people that know me, that know the inside scoop,

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is that they're like, well, you should have known that going in.

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But I really didn't, because I really thought that this person had my back and,

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you know, they were for me.

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But the realization is they weren't, you know.

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As a cancer patient, you got to be very mindful of people and what they say to you, right?

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I know I'm jumping. I'm going to come to a conclusion here in a second.

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But when I say be mindful of your circle, when people are talking to you and

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people speak death upon you, I would say there's an entry transparency.

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If there was, if I had a nickel since my diagnosis in December,

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right and this is now March if I had a nickel for every time I heard someone

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say to me well you'll be dead soon anyway you know if I had a nickel every time

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I heard that I can go buy a Big Mac meal I really could I mean if I had a nickel,

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And so be mindful of what people say, because if people are speaking,

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people who are around you that supposedly support you and love you,

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and if they are speaking like that, that's a red flag.

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If you didn't know that, that is an absolute red flag.

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And sometimes, you know, they say all kinds of stuff, you know.

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And it's amazing to me that people have the heart to do it and then tell you, you're the abuser.

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I'm not sure that's narcissistic behavior. I'm not sure. I think that's what

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narcissistic behavior is defined as.

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But they say stuff like that to you and then tell you, you're the abuser.

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And then will sick her dogs on you. The dog's on you.

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And then everybody else saying the same thing she's saying. It's kind of like,

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you know, I'm going through cancer treatment.

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Like, I'm going through chemo. Listen, I don't have time for that.

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That's the reason why, you know, I chose and people that's in my circle,

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I've told them, you know, don't engage in any of that stuff.

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Hey, Debra on YouTube, what's going on with you?

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Don't engage in that stuff. It doesn't help you nor them. It definitely doesn't

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help me because now I'm stressed out because you're in trouble.

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So don't do that. But I said all that to say this, is that in my cancer journey, going into round four,

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I'm still as nervous as my first round.

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Because, you know, the chemo for me is getting, it is getting a little bit more difficult.

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Like the first round, the first couple of rounds were okay.

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Round three was a little bit rougher. I had a little bit neuropathy in the fingers

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and toes. I mean, those of you guys that know anything about that, Thank you.

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Know what that feels like, not being able to touch anything cold,

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having to wear gloves, not being able to drink anything in the fridge.

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You have to let it sit out for a minute and drink it at room temperature and all that.

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So it's getting a little bit, it got to the point last round that they had to

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prescribe me medication for neuropathy because it was really bad, really, really bad.

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It felt like razor blades cutting into my fingers and my toes.

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It was like, oh, you got to keep an eye on neuropathy because if it gets any

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worse, it's top of chemo and all that.

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But, you know, the medication so far is working. We'll know what the medication

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has done after round four on Friday. We'll see what that does.

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But that's what it is. Just be careful of your circle. Be careful of the people you keep around you.

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Be careful of what people speak because there is, the whole saying goes,

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there is power in the tongue. Life and death.

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It's in the power of your tongue. When you're speaking, when you're telling

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people, man, you're going to be dead soon. It's up to get my stuff in order.

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You know, or whatever. However you choose to verbalize it, be careful what you say to people.

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You don't know what kind of effect you have on people. You know,

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you don't know what kind of hurt you're going to flick.

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And when I tell you, this journey has been nothing short of crazy as all get

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out. Like it's really been nuts from the diagnosis to this moment right now.

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It has really been crazy. The emotional roller coaster.

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But at some point, just like in your regular life, even if you're not suffering

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with any kind of cancer or anything like that, at some point, it's got to stop.

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You have got to put the brakes on and be like, wait a minute, you know.

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And what are nine years I've been on this rock?

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I never did that. I just allow people to say, do whatever.

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And I still try to make amends. I'm not saying that I'm a, I'm the perfect guy.

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I haven't, I made a lot of bad choices and a lot of bad mistakes. However.

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My heart is good. And, you know, I don't, I feel like I don't deserve any of

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the negative that I've received. But, you know, people are going to be people.

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They're going to talk, you know, somebody's probably going to watch this and

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run back and tell this person, he's on your podcast, he's on his podcast.

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You know, I really don't care at this point. I really don't.

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My only thing is I'm trying to survive and trying to make it so I can be around for my kids.

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Whether they want me in their lives or not. I want to be in my children's lives,

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all of them, my oldest ones, my

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grandbabies, my youngest one will be eight coming up in a couple of days.

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I won't be able to attend his birthday party because I have chemo this weekend.

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So that's kind of sucky because the birthday party was scheduled on the weekend

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that I have chemo, which I don't know who does that. But anyhow,

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that's neither here nor there.

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Be mindful of who you put your mouth on. Be mindful of that because you just don't know.

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I'm a firm believer in karma. I'm a firm believer that what you put out,

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you will receive absolute truth.

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What you put out on this earth, the people, the things you will receive,

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you will reap what you have said. You will reap what you sow.

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And so just be mindful. So, but yeah, in closing, I'm excited about round four.

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I got two more rounds before I get re-scanned and they tell me whether or not I can have surgery.

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If I can have surgery, great. If not, I got six more rounds to do.

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Then I go into radiation if it goes that far. But I want to send out a shout

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out real quick before I get off here to everyone who has donated to my GoFundMe.

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Now, let me be clear with my GoFundMe. My GoFundMe is for my MY expenses until my disability kicks in.

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My GoFundMe page says it. I don't want nobody to be confused by it.

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I don't want nobody to turn back and say, oh, you're being fraudulent.

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You mentioned your kids in your video, which was an AI-generated video.

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It wasn't something that I sat down and scripted and did.

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But I don't want nobody to think, oh, you're being fraudulent.

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Oh, you're doing this, you're doing that.

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Don't send me any cease and desist letters via text. Don't do that.

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You know what I'm saying?

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Been through enough of that. But my GoFundMe is legit.

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It is for me. And my expense is because I'm unemployed. I don't have any money.

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When I ask for donations, they come through.

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Those go to and my roommate, my car payment, doing things I need to do until my disability kicks in.

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Once my disability kicks in, let me be real clear, real clear.

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When my disability kicks in, the GoFundMe goes away. Okay. Just so everyone knows that.

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Don't want any confusion. I don't I don't want nobody to be confused. So it is what it is.

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I thank you. I appreciate you. Everyone that donated, thank you.

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I put up a post on my Facebook today that if you have donated to the GoFundMe,

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if you've already donated, don't worry about donating again unless your heart says so.

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But what I would like, if you would share it to your platforms,

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that would be greatly appreciated.

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God will honor your sacrifice by doing that. I really appreciate it.

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And I am going to keep moving. I am going to keep fighting because I cannot,

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I will not allow people to deter me.

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I would not let negativity keep me from my end goal.

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Guess what? I'm going to be, I'm going on vacations. I'm going to, I'm going to do stuff.

00:17:58.300 --> 00:18:04.460
I'm going to experience life, which I've negated doing for years because I do

00:18:04.460 --> 00:18:06.780
for everybody else. But this is for me.

00:18:07.180 --> 00:18:11.620
This is for me. And somebody said, it's okay to be selfish sometimes.

00:18:12.060 --> 00:18:14.460
And I'm telling you right now, I'm going to be selfish with me.

00:18:15.180 --> 00:18:20.280
This is me. I'm the one facing cancer. I'm the one facing death here. Me.

00:18:21.100 --> 00:18:23.960
I cannot let anyone and what they think about me.

00:18:24.920 --> 00:18:27.840
I'm not going to let anyone and what they think about me deter me.

00:18:28.980 --> 00:18:33.780
Whatever opinion, if you're watching this, you're listening to this on your audio platforms,

00:18:34.680 --> 00:18:42.940
and if you have anything negative to say or to think about teary-little,

00:18:43.720 --> 00:18:48.080
whatever it is, keep feeling it because I can't change it, right?

00:18:48.380 --> 00:18:52.780
I'm going to keep living my life and I'm going to keep my chemo treatments and

00:18:52.780 --> 00:18:54.600
I'm going to keep doing what I got to do. I'm going to beat this.

00:18:54.680 --> 00:18:55.440
I'm going to ring the bell.

00:18:55.620 --> 00:19:00.240
I'm going to do a video about it and I'm going to put it everywhere. I digress.

00:19:01.180 --> 00:19:04.420
You guys have a great night. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it.

00:19:04.940 --> 00:19:08.280
Stay tuned for episode five coming up in a couple of days.

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You guys have a runoff for the rest of your evening. And I will see you next time.