Journey to Mental Health: Finding Peace After Trauma

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Hey, and good morning to another episode of the Knucklehead Chronicles podcast. It is your man, Terry.

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It has been a minute since I've done one of these.

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And, you know, I'm going to try to dive into the mental health portion of this.

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I know I've gone through a lot and my mental health has gone up and down.

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And be that this month is mental men's, what is it?

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It is minority mental health month. So I really want to get into that and just

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talk about some things that I've gone through.

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I was just my last podcast appearance and I was with Blemish Beauty,

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the Blemish Beauty podcast with She-Ra.

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A lot of things have happened. You know, I see people in different light now,

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but we'll get into all that in just a second. Anytime.

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Music.

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Welcome to another episode of the Knucklehead Chronicles podcast.

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This podcast was designed to let you know that you aren't the only one that

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took forever to get it together.

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So the rabbit hole that you have stumbled down will hopefully help you understand

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that just when you think it's over, it's only the beginning.

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Just because you were dealt a bad hand doesn't mean you have to keep it.

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Welcome to the Knucklehead Chronicles podcast.

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All right, I'm back, man. Yo, happy July. Man, this year is going by extremely fast.

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Like, if you guys have noticed, January 1st came in, man.

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Now we're looking down the barrel of August, man.

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Jesus Christ, kids back in school here next month.

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Man, so much stuff is going on. But I am going to get into a little bit of my

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mental health update. A lot of things have happened.

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And just to give you guys who haven't listened to this podcast a little bit

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of a recap. Went through a divorce in July. Or not.

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But January, first of the year. And it was tough.

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It was tough on a brother who, you know, made some bad choices.

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But still has a good heart.

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So now, here in July.

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A lot of things have changed. I had to change my mentality and the way I moved and the way I did things.

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And I had to put some folks in my rear view.

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Sometimes putting people in your rear view is the hardest thing to do,

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but it's the most necessary thing to do.

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Because you have to, you know, I had to get to a place where I had to protect my peace.

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Because nobody's going to protect your peace, but you. Ain't nobody going to

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do it for you. You got to pick your own beat.

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And so I woke up one morning and like I said, those of you who have been listening

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know that I dealt with some, you know, depression and, you know,

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some suicidal thoughts.

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And I had to text 988 a couple of times. And those of you listening,

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if you don't know what 988 is, that's the suicide prevention hotline.

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And if you're going through anything and need somebody to talk to,

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You can definitely, you know, it used to be back in the day,

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you used to have to call them.

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But now they have it to where you can text them and you can text the number

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at 988 and you can get someone on the line that will walk you through,

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you know, talk you through things.

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And they'll even call the police for you if need be.

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So I suggest that. It helped me out of a couple of bouts of depression that

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I had. And I had some very, very, very dark thoughts and I had to,

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you know, text that number to get some help.

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But, you know, a couple months removed from that, you know, now I just work.

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I work to keep my mind up with a lot of things.

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I do try to go out and, you know, put my face out there and just kind of get

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that outside interaction.

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And, again, everything that I'm going to say today is for those who are battling right now.

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Because the problem that we have is that we don't want to help other people.

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Excuse me, we don't want to tell our story. We don't want to,

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you know, because we feel like we don't do it out of fear of rejection or fear

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of judgment from people.

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And for me, it doesn't matter because I have a story to tell.

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Now, whether you judge me, laugh at me, whatever it is that you feel about me,

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you know you can kind of you know you can have it you know i'm saying because

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it's still my at the end of the day it's still my story and it's still your

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story and despite whether or not you believe,

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that what your story that your story can help somebody it absolutely can it absolutely can,

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i've gotten dms and inboxes from people that said you know your last podcast

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episode really helped me.

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And then for that, you know, I do this podcast thing part-time.

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And, you know, even though I should be pursuing it full-time,

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I'm not because I work. I work for a living.

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Just a few things real quick that I've gone through.

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The first thing is learning how to put people in your review. That's the first thing.

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Putting people in your review mirror. you know once you once you come to a place where,

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your peace is everything once you get to a place you know once you've been to

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the depth of hell it feels like once you've been to a place of hell you know,

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once you come out of that and you get to a place of being able to function,

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everything else in life means nothing it absolutely means nothing and I say

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that with with a level of respect because the level of peace we have to reside in.

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Sometimes takes us to where we have to throw people in the back.

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Because, you know, I heard Trent Shelton, excuse me, the famous positive country

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creator who was an ex-football player and all that, lost his mom a few years back.

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And he's really been a positive mentor.

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And he said, you cannot, you cannot heal in the same place you got cut.

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That is the truest statement I've ever heard in my life.

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And even when it's dark and people have something to say, everybody got something

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to say, because understand this, as a man, you're always the bad guy in somebody's

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story, always. Please know that, right?

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And I realized that I could not hold on to those same relationships that I had when I was married.

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There are a lot of people that we share friends with that after the split and

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after the divorce, I can no longer be friends with because they sided with her

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more than they sided with me.

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And at the end of the day, it's not about size, but that's what it comes down

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to sometimes in this society.

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It comes down to whose story I believe, who I ride with the most. And that's the problem.

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With a lot of people and so for that everybody that i knew and ran with with my ex,

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And, you know, you chose to side, quote unquote, with her.

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Listen, I am not, hey, I'm not going to be mad at you, you know.

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I applaud you for taking a side and all that. I applaud it. So this is what

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I do for the people that are exiting my life.

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Sayonara sayonara right that is the old saying goes case of ross and ross all those

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at the same time those folks that have sided with her and asked her to say about

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me this is what i say to you oh don't be like that if i had a rock i'll bust

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your head a bitch saying that she deaf, you know?

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So you guys can go ahead and be exit stage left while I care about it.

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Anyways, but it's very important to put people, negative people,

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people who got something to say in your rear view because the protection of

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peace will become more important than anything.

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In my journey, that's what I'm learning. I'm learning that protecting my peace is important.

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And I've also sat back and I looked and I realized that I let a lot of people

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influence how I move even when I was married.

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And sometimes and you get to that point where I don't want

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to move that way no more I don't want to be that guy anymore and so in my journey

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I had to take my peace and let me tell you something about taking that peace

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once you once you get a taste of it you don't want nothing else and And it is liberating,

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to say the least,

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to be able to get up, you know, and move on my own steam and not have to worry

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about what anyone else has to say.

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Somebody has always got something to say.

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So if you listen to this, you're going through a mental health journey,

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you're learning, you have to put people in your rear view, especially if you

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want to protect your peace.

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Right? That's the first thing I want to talk about.

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Second thing is that I, in my personal mental health journey,

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I've had to, you know, I almost lost my faith in people because,

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you know, people are amazing,

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especially when it's about them and them only.

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And I'll say it's amazing how people move

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and I'll give you an example and I said I was not going to bring this up in

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any podcast episode or even address it but I got to because I don't like what

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happened okay it's a story a couple months ago I went to Kansas City no let

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me back up a step a couple months ago.

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I had been following this guy on Instagram. He was a barber.

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And really cool dude, right?

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You know, I loved his content. It went by the name of Dr.

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Honcho, or those of you on social media may know him as Sly Honcho,

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S-L-Y.Honcho on Instagram.

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Really cool dude. Supported him. You know, I drove.

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I lived two and a half hours from Kansas City, so that's where he is.

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I thought he was in Atlanta. Now, when I took this bio, I realized that he was in Kansas City.

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So I said, I'm going to get my hair cut by this dude. Now, his haircuts are extremely expensive.

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I mean, you know, if anybody had followed me on Facebook, saw the video,

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he cut my hair for $150 to get a haircut, right?

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But because of the experience and because of how I felt after the haircut,

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I supported him, did everything that I could, you know. And so I got the haircut,

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came back home, like a million bucks, whatever, whatever.

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My friend, those of you who have listened to a couple of episodes before,

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my friend Courtney, came in and she actually paid for me to get a haircut the second time.

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Now, in between the two haircuts, he did a camera giveaway or a raffle or a camera giveaway.

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And it was a Rebel R1 or whatever series camera it was and a tripod.

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So, excuse me, I went ahead and bought six rapper tickets and it was 20 bucks.

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It's nothing. It's to still support him and what he was doing.

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So I bought six rapper tickets. A couple of weeks after the second haircut,

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I get tagged in a Facebook video where he had announced the winner of this camera and this tripod.

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Lo and behold, it was me. I was like, oh my God, I want a camera and a tripod.

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So I reached out to him on Instagram. I was like, hey, this is my address.

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And no response. Excuse me. I let a couple movies go by. It began on Instagram.

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At this point, he had done went to Atlanta, did a video, and again,

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mentioned me in Atlanta in that Atlanta video because he was just recapping

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what was going on in his life.

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So I hit him again on Instagram. I was like, hey man, when do I get my camera?

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You know, he was like, oh, I just got back from Atlanta.

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It should go out next week. All right, cool.

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It is July 12th, 13th. I'm sorry, July 13th. And next week has not come.

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You know what I'm saying? So I hit him up on Facebook and apparently his Facebook

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profile is banned, but he's still uploading videos. I'm not sure how that works.

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And hit him up on Instagram about three or four more times. No response.

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He went silent on Instagram.

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I even tried to hit him on the barbering app style seat to get a message and,

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you know, nothing. I've got nothing.

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And I looked right through my timeline to see if it was because I,

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of course, if he tagged me in the video, it would be on my timeline.

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I went back on my timeline, looked, and the video that he had tagged me in was deleted. Gone.

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I was like, okay. You know? And so, again, reached out to him,

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reached out to him, you know.

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And the kind of the type of barber shop that he has because he's a traveling

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barber you can't call the shop and talk to the barber you know if you google

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the if you google the barber shop,

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you can't call the shop so unless you have his personal number you can't get to him so,

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i waited and waited and waited for a response hit him back ready for a response it's been,

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that was april so that's been a couple months now and i still have not received

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the camera. Now, I said all that to say this.

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Some people aren't who they say they are.

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And for me, that hurt me because I supported this dude. Everything he does, I supported him.

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And I won that raffle fair and square.

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He did the drawing. He did the plucking of the ticket online for,

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you know, and And I went to Van Square and I still hit it July 13th.

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And I have not seen that camera or tripod or not received any kind of message from him.

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The last message I received from him was he had came back from Atlanta and the

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camera should have went out or it should go out next week.

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That's been sent. That's when I was back in April and I've not heard anything.

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So, again, I said all that to say this, that people, I lost my faith in people.

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I've had some instances where I tried to be a supportive friend to some folks

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and they took my friendship and was like, oh, you have an agenda,

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you got this, you got that going on. And I'm like, what? I'm just trying to be supportive.

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And nothing. And I was told I was all kind of crazy and I had some kind of agenda.

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And I'm like, you know what?

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I'm done. I even had an instance with my ex-wife where we got into a very lengthy texting,

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sparring match via text. And then I was like halfway through that and I was like, you know what?

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Why am I arguing with you? We're divorced. We are divorced.

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You have gone back to your last name. We have nothing else to talk about.

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If it's not about Terry Jr., we ain't got nothing to talk about.

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And so again, it's about putting negative in your rear view.

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And I had to learn that. And that's where I am in my mental health journey is

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having to learn how to put folks in the rearview mirror, life is hard enough.

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It really is. It's hard enough when you have to, especially after divorce,

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because you go from having a full-time family and doing what you're supposed

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to do for your family to not having a family and then having to deal with life

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in that arena, trying to keep your mental health straight.

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I try not to be phony when I deal with people. I try to be really real with people.

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And let them know how I'm really feeling and trying to deal with the emotions

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because being fake does nothing, right?

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At the end of the day, when you're left with your own devices and you have to

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deal with yourself, it's crazy and it's a hard place to be.

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And with me, I had to just cut all of that out. I had to cut out,

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I had to cut the negative people out.

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I've had to really deal with Terry because sometimes, you know,

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sometimes we don't want to deal with us.

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You know we didn't want to deal with us we want to put blame on everybody else

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nope that's not that because that's not how it's supposed to be you got to deal

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with you and I realized that you know I made some bad choices I hurt some folks you know over time.

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But you know,

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It is at a place, I'm at a place in my life, in my mental health journey,

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that my peace and my happiness comes before anything or anybody else.

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It has to, because if it does not, you will not survive it.

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If we don't wake up, if we don't wake up and realize that our peace is more

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important than anything or anybody, you will be swallowed up by this stuff.

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You'll be swallowed up by negativity. You'll be swallowed up by nonsense.

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You'll be swallowed up by negative people.

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And it will just destroy you. So if you're listening to this,

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make a decision today that when I wake up in the morning, just make a decision

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at any point. Make a decision. My peace is important.

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At the end of the day, my happiness is important.

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You know, stop trying to live for other people. That's the mistake that I made

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too. Live for other people. Stop doing that.

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Because what is that going to do? It's going to make you trying to live with

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other people and you're missing the mark with that person and you're trying

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to do the same thing with someone else.

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It's a recipe for disaster all day long. All day long, it's a recipe for disaster.

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And at some point, you got to say, you know what? I got to live for me and whoever

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comes into my life has to fit in that mold.

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If they don't fit into that mold, then you got to move on to the next thing

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because you cannot, you absolutely cannot not, try to live for other people.

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It doesn't work. It just doesn't work.

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Because if you live for other people, you forget.

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That's another problem with people is that we try to live for other people and

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we lose ourselves trying to be something for somebody else.

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When we're not doing the old William Shakespeare saying to thine own self,

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be true. You have to be true to yourself first.

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Because if someone cannot accept you for who you are, you don't need them anyway.

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And it is time to move on. So my episode today is dedicated to the ones who

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are listening and who are going through and can't figure out how to get from one step to the other.

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First of all, sister or brother, breathe.

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Right. Trauma hurts and you have to breathe.

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If you break your arm and go to the ER and you're hyperventilating,

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then they're going to tell you is to breathe.

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That's the first step in the healing process. Right.

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The second is the purge. You have to purge yourself of the evil and the nonsense

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and the bullshit and all of that.

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You have to purge yourself because you can't recover from a mental health incident

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trying to hold on to the old stuff. It does not work.

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It goes back to the definition of insanity.

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What is that? The definition of insanity is trying to do the same thing over

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and over again, expecting a definite result.

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It's not going to happen. and you are going to have to make some changes,

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throw some people out, look in the mirror, forgive yourself.

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I've always said that. Forgive yourself because ain't nobody else going to do it.

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Right? And as angry as I was at my ex, as angry as I was at the world when I

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went through my divorce, I realized that 98% of the stuff that I went through

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with my divorce was my fault.

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I'm not going to take the whole blame now. I'm not going to do that.

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But a lot of that was my fault.

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You got to forgive yourself yourself. You got to move on. There's more to life.

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Do what I do. I'm a baseball fan. I love baseball, right? So I go to a,

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anybody who knows me knows I'm a Kansas City Royals fan.

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I go to Kauffman Stadium every chance I get. That's my happy place.

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You have to find your happy place. You have to do things that make you happy.

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You cannot continue to linger and mope and cry and And all that.

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And it's okay if you do do that. If you do mope and you do cry, it's okay.

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Because, again, crying is a level of purge.

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Because we're getting all the old stuff out. So crying is okay.

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But what we can't do, though, is that we can't stay there. We cannot cry.

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You know, I have crying sessions and hope that when I get done crying,

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it's going to be better. Because it's not.

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Because you're going to have to put in work at the end of the day.

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You're going to have to say, okay, I have to put in work. And sometimes the work is not always easy.

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The work is not always easy because it causes you to look at yourself.

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It causes you to forgive people. It causes you to forgive yourself.

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In order to get to the other side, you are going to have to put in work.

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It's okay to hurt. It's okay to feel a way about people.

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It's okay to feel that way, but what we can't do is stay. We have got to put

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on our boots and get to mud stomping on some stuff.

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You know, we have to do that.

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In my mental health journey, I've

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had to do that. I've had to put in that work. I had to forgive people.

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And now, now I'm not saying that, I'm not saying that I'm fully healed. I'm not saying that.

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What I am saying is I'm on the road to becoming, excuse me, to be becoming healthy again.

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And we have to fight for that because it's not going to land in your lap.

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Your freedom comes at a price.

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Your mental health freedom comes at a price and you're going to have to do it.

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I've had to. I've cried many a night.

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I've held on to my pillow, wishing my son was there. I've done it.

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I know what it's like. But freedom will not come without a price.

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Please know that. And so with that being said, I'm going to get on out of here.

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You guys have a great rest of your weekend.

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Hope you enjoyed the episode. If you have any show topics, anything like that, listen, hit me up.

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Or you have any questions that you'd like me to answer on air, hit me up.

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The email is knuckleheadchroniclespodcast at gmail.com give me a bit of any

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time I'll be more than happy to answer any questions really any comments any

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of that but you guys have a great rest of your weekend and we will see you next time,

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that's not the one that's not the one let me get this hold on.

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Music.