Finding Faith and Healing: A Journey Through the Not Yet

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All right, you guys, welcome to another episode of the Knucklehead Chronicles

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podcast. It is your boy Terry, man, and it has been a minute.

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And I need to be more consistent with these. I'm not sure what's going on,

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but life has really been life.

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So we're going to get into it. So you guys just hang tight.

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Music.

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Welcome to another episode of the Knucklehead Chronicles podcast.

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This podcast was designed to let you know that you aren't the only one that

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took forever to get it together so the rabbit hole that you have stumbled down

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will hopefully help you understand that just when you think it's over it's only

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the beginning just because you were dealt a bad hand doesn't mean you have to

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keep it welcome to the knucklehead chronicles podcast.

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All right and welcome back to another episode of the knucklehead chronicles

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podcast like i said It is your boy, Terry.

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Listen, man, it's been a minute. And I want to apologize for,

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too, everyone who is or subscribes and listens to the podcast.

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I do apologize for being absent.

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But life has really been life, man. And I'm going to get into a little bit of

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an update with you guys on this episode because it's important that we understand

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the journey and the process of life after divorce and all that.

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And, you know, I've gone through a lot, you know what I'm saying,

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over the past couple months.

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And I'll be the first to say, I'll be the first to say that I don't,

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you know, I nearly, I don't have it together as nearly as much as I thought that I did.

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And it is it's crazy how life works right you know those of you who have been

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listening you know went through a divorce and that was not very fun for me,

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Sometimes as humans, you know, we try to fake it till we make it, as it were.

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And we're not really being, we're not being really real with each other,

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you know, with ourselves. And that's what happened with me.

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And so just getting into the update now, a lot has happened.

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You know, me and my ex-wife, we're very cordial.

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We co-parent. It almost seems like we co-parent better than we did when we was

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married, which is crazy to me, but it is what it is. So we get along.

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There was a situation to where we had to take our son up to St.

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Louis to do some genetics testing because, you know, my son being autistic,

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I guess she wants to see what side of the family it came on.

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That's my guess. And so we rode up together, which was very awkward,

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and it set my anxiety to a whole nother level, right?

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Because I thought that I would be able to be okay with being in the same vehicle with her.

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And it was really weird. It was a long drive. It was a long two hours in St. Louis.

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And for a minute there, I didn't think I was going to make it. I'm going to tell you.

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I'm going to tell you. I felt like my man, what was my man? I forgot his name.

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Ken Jong Wong, whatever his name is. But anyways, not the sound,

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you know, insensitive or anything like that.

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But boy, he went viral with this sound right here.

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Emotional damage. When I tell you, that's what I had. when she got into the

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car and we started driving and we started talking and we started talking about our marriage.

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And it got really awkward for me. But I didn't say anything,

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you know, saying to let her think that it was awkward. But it was extremely awkward.

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And so I was real with her. I made some comments to her and I guess it made

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her uncomfortable because things I was saying to her because I had to be real

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with it. I had to be real with the situation.

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And the situation is simply that I still carry feelings.

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And I think that we, you know, I wish that I had her mentality.

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Her mentality is, okay, you had your time.

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It's over. You know what I'm saying? Move along.

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Don't, you know, don't bring your nonsense or your feelings to me because I

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don't want to hear them. And I don't have that.

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I'm not built that way. But she is. And I commend her for that because that's kind of who she is.

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But for me, it was tough because I wanted to let her know how I felt,

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which brings me to life lesson number one in this podcast today because the

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episode name is, man, what was I thinking, right?

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And we always get into that particular mindset is what was I thinking?

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Why would I do that? Why would I subject myself to nonsense and to belittled

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and to be picked at and laughed at, right?

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So which brings me to life lesson number one. Life says number one in this podcast episode is this.

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In the words of the great William Shakespeare, to thine own self be true.

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To thine own self be true.

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And for a long time I struggled with that because I didn't want her to,

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you know, the proverbial saying when they say, never let them see you sweat, right?

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And so for me, I let her see me sweat. and that's when that emotional damage

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came in because she kind of laughed me off like my feelings were invalid.

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I think that's one of the problems that we had in our marriage is that if I

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said something, excuse me, if I said something,

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she would laugh it off like it didn't mean anything and my feelings were very

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invalid and that's the reason why things happen the way they happen because

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when a man feels invalidated by you,

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he's going to step out or he's going to seek some validation somewhere else

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and that's kind of a common sense thing everybody knows that everybody knows that,

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it goes back to the old saying you won't do another one will that's kind of

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what happened in our situation even though I wasn't physically.

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Doing anything crazy but emotionally I was and that's what you know that beat

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her down but she doesn't understand and like I said we tried to talk about it on the way to St.

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Louis and I was telling her I was like you know this is what and this is the

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reason why I did this and this is the reason why I felt this way and again I

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mean she made me think she made me feel like my,

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feelings were invalidated ladies and gentlemen that listen to this podcast man,

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if you have a significant other do not life lesson number two do not,

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make them feel invalidated. Because if you do, if you do, I can promise you

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the end result you will not like.

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You will not like it. It's not going to feel good.

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And what I realize in this journey that I'm taking right now is that I still

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miss that woman. You know what I'm saying?

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You know, but I also know that in that particular feeling, I know that there is no possibility.

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But knowing it and walking in it are two different things. You know what I'm

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saying? I know that she doesn't want me.

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I know that, you know, I know that, right?

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But I'm not in a place in my life right now to where I think that I'm willing to accept it.

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I'm not willing to accept the fact that she doesn't want me.

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But it is what it is, right? I don't, you know, I don't fight the feeling. I don't make waves.

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I go with what is in front of me. But it doesn't make it hurt any less.

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It's just what it is, I'm just saying it's life, right?

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So again, like I said before, we have a excellent co-parenting situation,

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but I haven't, me personally, Terry, I haven't been able to let go of the emotional

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side of it, unlike her, you know?

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But I'm not going to sit here and gaslight her and whatever the term people

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use these days, I'm not going to do that.

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She's justified in her feelings. She's justified in her actions that I caused.

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But what gets me is that she makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid.

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As much as I try to validate hers, she won't validate mine.

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And that in line is a problem. Now, I'm in this process, growth,

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and trying to get past it, and it's just not as easy as I thought it would be.

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For a few months, you know, I walked around like I had made it.

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I feel like, you know, I felt like I had turned the corner.

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But in all reality, I haven't. I haven't turned the corner.

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And I want to because it's important that I do so because if I don't turn the corner,

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mentally it's draining it's draining you know I work and I come home and I really

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don't do anything you know I go out I went to the movies a couple weeks ago

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by myself took myself out,

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And, you know, sitting at a table by yourself when for years you had someone

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else across the table from you, it was pointless.

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It was, I think it was the toughest date I've ever gone on.

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If you ever want to try to see what dating, dating yourself is important.

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Don't get it twisted, not one little bit.

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Dating yourself is important because nobody's going to love you like you.

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I say that a lot. Nobody's going to love you like you.

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But for me, it was tough. It was like hard.

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What I realized too is that a lot of things, even though I thought I turned

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the corner and I thought I've made it through, but I realized that a lot of

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the things that, like for example, I live in a small town.

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I live about 30 minutes away from my ex and my son, and we have a visitation

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to where she drops him off to me on Friday nights, and I take him back home on Sunday evening.

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Driving to the city, the town that we lived in, together is triggering.

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I didn't realize it was a trigger.

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I would take him home on Sunday, and I would just lose my mind emotionally. I wouldn't say nothing.

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I wouldn't like, you know, spaz out or crash out or anything,

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but it was emotional though. It was draining.

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And I realized that everything, everything, I was yesterday years old.

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I will say this, not because of my Facebook post yesterday.

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I was yesterday years old and I realized that anything, anything that happens

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in my life currently that remotely reminds me of my past triggers me.

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Being married to her, doing things with her, going out with her,

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everything triggers me.

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And like I said, it's not like I, it's not like I, when I say trigger,

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I don't mean, I don't crash out of nothing.

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But it's emotionally like my mood changes.

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I actually get annoyed. Like, it's just a lot of things.

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And I said, okay, this is it. This is enough. This is enough.

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And, you know, it's one of those things that, you know, I just got to live through.

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I got to, you know, it's one of those things I got to get through.

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And I had to take that day by day.

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Now, one of the things that me and her used to do, we used to go to church together.

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You know, we went to church, well, a couple times together.

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And now me, some of you guys may or may not know, I'm a preacher's kid.

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And so I grew up in the church. So for me, church is easy.

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Church is the base of my life, but I've gotten so far away from it.

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I felt like, you know, after a while, you know, you're praying to God for things,

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and, you know, you want these blessings, and you want God to move for you.

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But sometimes you just feel so far removed from it. And that was me.

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I felt like I was so far removed from any kind of blessings,

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any kind of anything, right?

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So last night I made a conscious decision. There's a new church that opened up in Columbia.

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And I said, they opened up like six weeks ago.

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And the pastor had texted me because

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it wasn't like an automated thing or nothing. He was like a real dude.

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He really texted me. We had a conversation, and he was like,

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man, we're looking forward to seeing you.

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And so I didn't go. I didn't go to the launch. I didn't go.

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I made a conscious decision on yesterday to get dressed and go.

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And I went, and I'm glad that I did. And here's why.

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And the message that he preached was designated especially for me.

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And what he said, I want to relate it to everyone who's listening,

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is, and it was a simple message. It was really simple.

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It wasn't long and drawed out. It wasn't, you know, the hooping and the hollering

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like he had in most churches.

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But the message was simple. He said, sometimes in life, God says,

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even though he's going to bless you and do things for you and open doors and this is his nature,

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there is a season of your life where you go through the not yet faith.

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God's going to, you know, whatever you pray for, whether it be a job,

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whether it be a spouse, whether it be a house, whether it be whatever you ask

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God for, sometimes the answer is not always yes, right?

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And sometimes the answer is not always no. It's sometimes not yet.

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And what he said was, and he challenged all the members of the church,

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the congregation that was there, and he said, are you being faithful in the not yet?

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That's the question. Are you being faithful in the not yet?

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And I'm sitting there in the back of the church because I sat in the very last

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row, the very last chair.

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And I said, no, I'm absolutely not being faithful in the not yet.

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And then we sit and we wonder why God hadn't moved for us because we're not faithful.

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I've asked God to remove these feelings, you know, and to restore my heart and

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restore my faith in people and, you know, move me forward.

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I've asked God, I don't know how many times to do that.

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But was I being faithful in it not yet? No.

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Was I doing things to set myself up for the blessing? And sometimes we miss

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our blessings simply because we're not prepared for what God has for us.

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Whether that be happiness, you know, whether it be someone else coming into

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your life, whether it be just totally happy in ourselves, you know,

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we miss it because we're too busy doing other things.

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I spent so much time thinking about and trying to relate a message to my ex-wife

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today. You know, I still feel the way. How about you?

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And I said, even if I restored that marriage, you're not faithful in the not yet.

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And so that message relayed to me so, so abundantly, right?

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And I'm sitting back there, and I'm going, okay, Jesus.

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All this time, I'm thinking I can win her back. all this time.

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Man, what was I thinking? What was I thinking? Like, I ain't prepared for nothing.

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Even if God was to restore it, bring it back full circle.

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I ain't prepared for that. If he bring it back to me now, I would be in the

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same boat a year from now because I ain't prepared nothing.

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But where I'm at in my life right now, though, is that I have to realize that that's a done deal.

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You know, that ship has sailed to all nine yards.

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And it's like, okay, all right, you know, it's a done deal and I need to move forward.

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So I have to prepare myself in the not yet, you know, where I've got to get

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my affairs in order financially, emotionally, you know, get my affairs in order.

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Because whatever blessing that God is going to bestow upon my life, I have to be ready for it.

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And that's the message that I want to send to you and everybody who's listening,

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that you have to be prepared for whatever it is. that God is going to bless you with.

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If you're not happy with yourself,

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if you have doubts about yourself, self-doubt, if you struggle with trust issues,

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if you have PTSD like most of us have,

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we have PTSD because we've been through trauma and we've been hurt and we've

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been lied to and we've been cheated on and we've been the ones who cheated and

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we've been the one who's lied. You know, we've done that, right?

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But what I believe the message should be, let's get back to the basics.

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Even with, you know, even with everything that I've gone through in my life,

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even through the things that I've gone through in the last few months,

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I said, okay, I'm going to give you something else.

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I am going to bless you with something else, but not until you are prepared

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or getting ready in the not yet.

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The not yet season is not fun. It is not.

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It's not fun. And it's uncomfortable. And it gives you self-doubt.

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And it gives you anxiety. And it makes you feel a certain way.

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And it angers you. and you go through it and you get mad at the people that hurt you.

00:19:38.764 --> 00:19:45.164
You know, but what we have to do is learn how to love ourselves,

00:19:45.704 --> 00:19:50.464
take ourselves out, set your table, set your table.

00:19:50.704 --> 00:19:55.884
It's just like, you know, and the analogy that's coming to my head now is it's

00:19:55.884 --> 00:19:58.084
like, you know, it's in the Bible.

00:19:58.364 --> 00:20:01.484
You know, he prepares the table for us in the presence of our enemies.

00:20:01.484 --> 00:20:06.664
That's you know I want you to think about this I want you to think about this.

00:20:08.269 --> 00:20:11.869
As you're getting ready to have dinner at a fancy restaurant.

00:20:13.689 --> 00:20:18.809
And they come to your table. They set your table. They give you napkins.

00:20:18.869 --> 00:20:20.369
They get you drinks. They prepare.

00:20:21.049 --> 00:20:23.729
They prepare you for the meal that's coming.

00:20:25.109 --> 00:20:27.469
The meal that's coming is your blessing.

00:20:29.429 --> 00:20:34.309
And you have to be prepared for that meal. Because if that meal comes and you're

00:20:34.309 --> 00:20:35.189
not prepared, guess what?

00:20:35.629 --> 00:20:37.869
It's going to sit there. It's going to go cold. You're going to miss it.

00:20:38.549 --> 00:20:43.869
That is what we have to do right now. That's the season I'm in in my life right now.

00:20:44.109 --> 00:20:47.489
I'm in that season right now to where I am preparing my table.

00:20:47.669 --> 00:20:51.069
I have to because ain't nobody going to prepare for me.

00:20:51.969 --> 00:20:59.429
I have to get rid of the, I have to move forward, be a good father to my son, and move on.

00:20:59.949 --> 00:21:04.689
You know, I've said it a thousand times, you know, and that's a desire.

00:21:04.689 --> 00:21:12.649
The desire is to be a good father, to be a good man, to make sure that all of my affairs are in order.

00:21:14.709 --> 00:21:18.989
Because just like the pastor said yesterday, he's not going to bless you with

00:21:18.989 --> 00:21:20.769
the big things if you're not faithful with the small.

00:21:21.549 --> 00:21:24.849
And that's me. And I know that's a simple message.

00:21:25.049 --> 00:21:27.509
It's simple. You've probably heard it before a thousand times before,

00:21:27.869 --> 00:21:29.929
especially if you're a church core, if you've heard it.

00:21:31.369 --> 00:21:36.909
And for me though I haven't been to church in almost two years and to hear that

00:21:36.909 --> 00:21:42.569
message yesterday really touched my spirit and that is the message that I want to relay.

00:21:45.029 --> 00:21:50.209
Stop doing stuff you ain't got no business that's what I gotta do I gotta stop

00:21:50.209 --> 00:21:56.429
doing stuff I ain't got no business trying to dip my foot on my toe back into

00:21:56.429 --> 00:21:58.669
the dating pool that thing And listen,

00:21:59.249 --> 00:22:05.909
dating after 45 is not for the faint of heart. It's not for the weak, I promise.

00:22:07.189 --> 00:22:11.649
You have to be prepared to date in this society at the age of 40. I'm 49.

00:22:12.229 --> 00:22:15.189
So dating after 45 is something.

00:22:16.889 --> 00:22:21.209
And God is saying, oh, God is telling me. Ain't nobody tell you to do that.

00:22:21.829 --> 00:22:25.989
You ain't got time for that. You know what I'm saying? You need to be patient.

00:22:26.229 --> 00:22:32.009
Prepare yourself. And the reason why it's so prevalent in my life now is that

00:22:32.009 --> 00:22:37.349
for years, I have spent my life trying to do it for everybody else.

00:22:37.789 --> 00:22:42.349
And when people don't reciprocate what you do, it's a problem,

00:22:42.609 --> 00:22:47.049
then you feel pissed on, you feel,

00:22:48.329 --> 00:22:51.589
Shamed, you know, you feel a lot of things when people knew,

00:22:51.929 --> 00:22:58.509
when you think that you're doing the most and people don't reciprocate, that's hard, right?

00:22:59.849 --> 00:23:04.229
So whatever it is that you're doing, whatever it is that you're doing,

00:23:04.369 --> 00:23:11.149
you know, whatever you're going through right now, you have to fix it to where

00:23:11.149 --> 00:23:13.289
it's good enough for you.

00:23:13.909 --> 00:23:15.789
Because it's never going to be good enough for anybody else.

00:23:16.289 --> 00:23:17.929
It's got to be good enough for you.

00:23:18.329 --> 00:23:23.589
Right? You have to love you. Like I said before, like I said in the middle of

00:23:23.589 --> 00:23:26.149
this podcast is that ain't nobody going to love you like you.

00:23:26.389 --> 00:23:28.909
Ain't nobody going to give it to you like you. You understand?

00:23:29.249 --> 00:23:35.809
So it is prevalent. It is very, it's going to behoove everybody that's listening

00:23:35.809 --> 00:23:38.149
to this podcast right now that whatever you're going through,

00:23:38.349 --> 00:23:42.289
if it's not, if it's falling short somewhere, look in the mirror.

00:23:42.909 --> 00:23:45.489
This is for me and not just for y'all. This is for me too.

00:23:46.109 --> 00:23:49.389
If you're falling short somewhere it's you look in the mirror,

00:23:50.129 --> 00:23:54.049
love you get back to you get back to the basics,

00:23:54.789 --> 00:24:00.929
love you you know if you desire to start a business do it if you desire to move

00:24:00.929 --> 00:24:05.269
do that you know and I was trying to do that I was trying to move out of the,

00:24:06.009 --> 00:24:11.649
little city that I was in and everywhere I turned no, no, no, no you wouldn't know why,

00:24:12.509 --> 00:24:14.329
I was not faithful at the night yet.

00:24:15.462 --> 00:24:19.402
So the finances ain't where they need to be. So God's not gonna bless me with

00:24:19.402 --> 00:24:22.242
an apartment someplace and I can't stay off TikTok.

00:24:22.742 --> 00:24:24.722
I'm not faithful, you know what I'm saying?

00:24:25.702 --> 00:24:27.382
So it's important, that's the

00:24:27.382 --> 00:24:34.282
message for today, right, or for the night rather, it's nighttime, I mean,

00:24:35.242 --> 00:24:40.822
get back to the basics, get back to loving you, stop having that mindset,

00:24:41.082 --> 00:24:41.982
man, what was I thinking?

00:24:41.982 --> 00:24:46.382
You know, don't try to think about stuff after you do it.

00:24:46.782 --> 00:24:51.202
You know, and then you have to ask yourself, what in the tarnation was I thinking?

00:24:51.702 --> 00:24:54.802
Because I'm going to tell you what you're going to end up with if you continue to do that.

00:24:56.542 --> 00:25:00.722
Emotional damage. So get out of that, right?

00:25:02.022 --> 00:25:08.262
Find out what makes you happy. Not nobody else.

00:25:08.782 --> 00:25:11.362
What makes you happy?

00:25:12.022 --> 00:25:17.862
Me being on this podcast right now makes me happy. Me sitting behind this mic makes me happy, right?

00:25:18.522 --> 00:25:25.242
You don't go through life saying, you know, what if or whatever.

00:25:25.382 --> 00:25:29.442
I mean, because you only get one shot at this thing called life.

00:25:29.702 --> 00:25:31.302
You get one shot, you know.

00:25:32.562 --> 00:25:39.542
Let those people go. I've said this a thousand times in a thousand different podcasts, you know.

00:25:39.902 --> 00:25:44.202
Let those people go. My ex-wife, she's my ex-wife.

00:25:44.582 --> 00:25:50.342
That's what that is. That's the reality I'm living in. It ain't easy, but that's what it is.

00:25:50.822 --> 00:25:55.182
Right? So we have to do what we have to do. Right?

00:25:56.062 --> 00:26:03.942
So with that being said, I want to let every person that listens to this podcast know.

00:26:06.882 --> 00:26:11.022
That I love you from the bottom. You understand? I love you from the bottom.

00:26:12.382 --> 00:26:16.862
And no one can take that from you or me.

00:26:17.422 --> 00:26:21.862
I want you guys to have a great time. Love yourself. Get back to that. That's fun.

00:26:22.602 --> 00:26:26.742
Getting to know you again is fun. It really is.

00:26:27.362 --> 00:26:35.402
So get back to doing that. Get back to loving you, because loving you will make

00:26:35.402 --> 00:26:37.582
it easier for someone else to love you.

00:26:38.002 --> 00:26:40.762
That goes for me, too. That's my word for me.

00:26:41.362 --> 00:26:45.382
But you guys have a great rest of your night, evening, weekend,

00:26:45.542 --> 00:26:47.982
week, all that. And we'll see you on the next episode.

00:26:50.160 --> 00:27:23.623
Music.