July 16, 2025
Facing Fear: A Raw and Honest Cancer Journey
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Welcome to another heartfelt episode of Knucklehead Chronicles with your host, Terry. After a brief hiatus, Terry opens up about the emotional changes he's been going through, focusing particularly on his battle with pancreatic cancer. In this episode, Terry shares a candid update on his treatment, the challenges of undergoing chemotherapy, and the fear of the unknown.
He dives deep into the emotional rollercoaster of dealing with a life-threatening illness, the impact it has on his ability to be a father, and the difficulties of facing such a journey without close family support. He talks about the intricacies of treatment plans, the potential move to Durham for better healthcare options, and the emotional turmoil of possibly leaving his son behind.
Terry extends a heartfelt request for advice from his listeners, posing a thought-provoking question: if you were in his shoes, battling cancer in isolation or with family far away, what would you choose? Tune in to explore this poignant narrative and perhaps share your perspective with him.
01:17 - Introduction to the Cancer Journey
03:59 - Emotional Struggles with Cancer
08:53 - Next Steps: Radiation and Trials
11:23 - Seeking Support and Family Connections
16:37 - Reflections on Family and Choices
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Music.
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And what's excuse me what's going on you guys welcome to another episode of
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nookahead chronicles podcast it is your boy terry man it has been a while so
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i've done one of these uh these are uh a couple of weeks anyway i kind of took
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a hiatus because i got i've been going through a lot of,
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emotional changes and thoughts and stuff and i
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said i'm gonna take me a couple of weeks and just kind of develop
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my thoughts and see what i was going to say on this episode and
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what i'm going to do in this episode is I'm going to take a break from spinning
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the block because the next chapter of spinning the block kind of goes into the
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last marriage and things of that nature. And that's a story.
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That's a story in a series, you know, all in itself.
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And we'll get into that. But this one is going to be kind of a cancer update and all that.
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And just to kind of get some feedback from my, from my listeners.
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I'll tell you what, you guys, I've really been going through a lot,
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you know, with this cancer journey and, you know, with the pancreatic cancer
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being, you know, one of the most aggressive cancers.
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This is, you know, you're entering, I'm entering a, excuse me,
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I'm entering a realm of, you know, a little bit of fear because things happen
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so fast and things can, you know, can escalate.
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I've had some, you know, over just over the last couple of weeks,
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you know, there have been people that I went to high school with.
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One of my high school best friends, shout out to Bobby Pratt and his family.
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Bobby passed away some time ago. So then I had another friend of mine,
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her daughter passed away a couple weeks ago.
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And so when you hear stories like that and people that you went to school with
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and whether it be the person you went to school with or whether it's a parent
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or someone that you went to school with,
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it's hard and it's scary because all these folks that have passed away,
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passed away from some sort of cancer, whether it be ovarian.
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I'm not sure what Bobby had, but I know, you know, and these talks are gone and I'm still here.
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And I think to myself going, OK, God, what are you trying to say?
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Fifty years old, you know, living with this pancreatic cancer,
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even though the chemo that I'm doing is keeping the cancer from spreading.
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You know, I'm starting to warn them if we're going to be cancer free.
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You know, that's kind of that's kind of one of the scary things.
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And so many issues has arised emotionally, like, you know, what kind of father can I be to my son?
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You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm going through these I'm going through these
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these changes and these treatments.
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And, you know, I'm not able to be that, you know, active, you know,
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because these treatments have me down in the dumps.
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I mean, these things are really hard to come by, you know, really hard to fester,
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you know, all the things are really hard to deal with because my son is very
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active and he is a ball of energy.
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And there are times when I do have him that I just can't keep up.
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And, you know, it's hard for me. It really is hard for me. So just to give you
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guys a little bit of an update of the cancer journey, okay?
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I have, I am currently, I am currently halting chemotherapy.
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I am, just so you guys know, you know, I am in round nine, well,
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actually going into round 10. I only have three more rounds to go.
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And so I think what happened to me, guys, is that my emotions got the best of
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me because, you know, I really don't want to do it because of some of the after effects.
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And a lot of the after effects that I get are just like I told my doctors today.
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You know, some of the after effects that I have are minor in comparison to some
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people that have it Because a lot of times people that are going through chemo are older folks,
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60 and 70-year-olds that are going through chemo, and then chemo really attacks
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them and it really hurts them.
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And for me, chemo hasn't really been that bad other than the nausea and the
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fatigue, which they give me medication for.
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So a lot of, with me, I get a lot of sensitivity to cold.
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After I get an infusion or a treatment, I can't drink anything cold for a while.
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It takes me like a week to get back to normal, kind of, sort of,
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because of a medication that I take during my chemo.
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It gives me sensitivity to cold where I can't drink or hold anything or go into
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the freezer or anything like that.
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And that's annoying because when I try to drink something that is not room temperature,
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it's actually chilled or cold,
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it tastes like, it feels like razor blades on my lips and going down my throat,
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which I really, really hate. I hate that.
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So that's, you know, when I say those symptoms or those after effects are actually
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minor in comparison because...
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You know, you used to, you know, it's hard not to be able to drink something. You know what I mean?
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Room temperature is good depending on what you're drinking. I mean,
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if you're drinking, you know, a tea or something, nobody wants to drink room temperature tea.
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It tastes like mop water. Nobody wants that, right?
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Now, room temperature water, plain water, bottled water, I can do that.
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But it's that I've gotten used to and now so that really bothered me to drink
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warm temperature water but anything else it's like come on man,
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I just will not drink anything I just drink I really just drink air and you know,
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live on hopes and wishes.
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But yeah those symptoms like I said they pale in comparison to some people that
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are older and taking chemotherapy so I've been blessed and been lucky.
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But, you know, in this season to where I'm entering this, you know,
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there's a lot of anxiety.
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There's a lot of, you know, I really don't want to do this.
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I know that my next step is going to be radiation because my tumor has so much
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pain and involvement, you know, with my liver and my gallbladder and all that jazz.
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The tumor is unresectable. So right now, even though the chemo has shrunk down
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the tumor to where, you know, it shrunk it a little bit, but it's not enough
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to where they can go in and resect it.
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And even if it has shrunk, there is still a lot of extensive vein involvement
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that the tumor is doing, which makes it unresectable.
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So that was one of the things I was like, man, you know, if it's unrespectable,
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three more rounds isn't going to do it.
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You know, it's going to shrink it to the point where they can go in and do surgery.
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So radiation is going to be the next step for me.
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Because I think they're telling me that radiation isn't going to,
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you know, I was informed today, The radiation really isn't going to take care of it, like kill it.
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But I think it's going to kill it to the point where at some point down the
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road, I'll be able to do surgery and get rid of it and be cancer-free.
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But the chemo, what I found out today, the chemo is actually keeping the tumor
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spreading, which I've had no spreading. I had no metastasis to any body part
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other than the head of my pancreas.
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So I've been blessed there. and really lucky there to not have any kind of spread.
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So like I said, I put a halt to chemo for the time being.
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I'm actually going on vacation next month. I'm going back home to North Carolina,
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going to have a visit with Duke University and see if there are any trials that
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they can do for me because there may be a move from Missouri back home in the very near future.
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But, you know, that's kind of up in the air because if Duke doesn't have any trials for me,
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So, it's most likely that I'll stay here during my radiation because my radiation
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will only be five and a half weeks and I'll be done with radiation.
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So, you just don't know. It's kind of up in the air. But there's a lot of emotion
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behind it because me moving back to North Carolina means that I'll be away from my son,
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which I'm not, you know, entirely sold on the idea of leaving Terry Jr.
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But my health is important to me. It's important to him. It's important to my
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grown daughters. It's important to my grandkids.
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So my health is important. So I got to make sure that I do the best thing for me and all that.
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I think that we can still, I think that, you know, two adults,
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you know, me and his mother, I think we can still have some kind of,
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you know, hopefully we can have some kind of meeting in the middle.
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And I'll still get them during the summer and the summers and things of that
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nature and that's yet to be seen too.
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We haven't had that conversation so she's currently on vacation so we haven't
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had that conversation and probably won't have it until after I come back.
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So it's still up in the air but I got to tell you and another main reason about
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possibly transferring back to North Carolina is that.
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The only reason why, another reason why I would do it is because I have absolutely
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no support here. Now, I have a roommate.
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Just so you guys know, I have a roommate, Nick. He's a really cool guy.
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But Nick has his own life, you know, and the support that I need during this journey, he's just not.
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Right now, he has his own stuff. So I don't really, you know,
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expect for him to kind of just drop what he's doing to support me.
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That's not, you know what I mean?
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So outside of that, I really don't have any, you know, I don't have any family
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support. I don't have anybody, you know.
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On my side. And it's tough. If you are listening to this and if you really went
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through anything and having to go through that thing alone, that's a hard piece.
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It's not, you know, some days I'm okay and I can get up and I can function like
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normal, but I don't leave my house.
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You know, I don't really go anywhere unless I'm asked to go someplace.
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Voluntarily, I don't go nowhere. I spend 95% of my time in my bed, not on the edge of it,
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not in my bed under the cover, 95% of the time, because this thing has just
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really beaten me down and the decisions that I have to make and what's going forward.
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And it's hard. It's a hard piece.
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I get some people that they'll, I got some folks in my circle that'll call me
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every now and then, text me every now and then, you know, people that have encouraging words to say.
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And that's all, you know, but there are thousands of miles away.
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There are hundreds of miles away, but I don't have anybody in my face,
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you know, and I know that probably sounds weak or whatever. But,
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you know, for me, you know, I'm just one of those folks.
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Once my ex decided that I was no longer a priority and she stopped and she finally
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decided to stop supporting me, it really became difficult.
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And I pushed through for a while, you know. So I got there, I got to round nine
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and I did nine rounds of, you know, eight, eight rounds of chemo after she decided
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she wasn't going to deal with me no more.
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It was like I made it through and then I got to round nine and then some stuff
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at the hospital started happening where I do my, I do my chemo.
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I don't know if I got, I don't know if I updated you guys or told you guys,
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but I'll give you one story in particular. Now, I want you to give you a little
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bit of backdrop for this, a little bit of backdrop for this.
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I already have anxiety as it is.
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Anxiety is bad enough. So off the rip, I don't want to be there anyway, right?
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So there's one particular, I think it was round seven, okay?
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I can't remember exactly, round six or seven.
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And I had a nurse who this particular day, I'm not sure if she wanted to be there or not.
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I don't know if she's having a bad day or whether her boyfriend broke up with her.
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I don't know what happened this day. But she just really, she did,
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she really seemed disconnected.
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So I get three medications during my chemo. Okay.
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And each one of those medications has a time limit, not a time limit, but a runtime.
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And so this one medication, she gave me the first one that has a two hour runtime. I think it is.
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And then I have another one that's a 90 minute runtime.
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And so there's one particular time she put in, she put the second medication
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in on the hook on my medication and she let it run, you know,
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let it run a normal run time.
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She comes back to me because it's time for her to take it off because it's time
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and I've sat there for two hours,
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thinking that medication was going through my port and come to find out this
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nurse didn't even cut the machine on.
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So for two hours, I sat there. So guess what? I had to sit there for the two
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hours with no medication. Then I had to wait.
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And then, so they'll run. So it's another two hours that I'm there.
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And infusion day is a long day anyway. So any kind of delay makes it a longer day.
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You know, this particular day, I went in at 8.30 in the morning. to do my blood work.
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And I didn't leave that hospital until about 6.45, 7 o'clock p.m.
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So I was very unhappy about that. I told my oncologist, he's very unhappy about that.
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And it's just little stuff like that.
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So it's like, I don't want to go through all this.
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You know, especially by myself, I don't want to do it. I just don't.
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And my dilemma is do I want to be around family my daughters my grandkids I
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haven't seen my grandkids grow you know I haven't seen my grandkids grow my grandkids.
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My youngest daughter's kids barely know who I am.
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Now, my oldest daughter, Amina, now Amina knows who I am.
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You know, she knows I'm grandpa and all that good stuff. But,
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you know, my youngest daughter, her kid barely know me.
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Now, our oldest son and our oldest daughter, her only daughter,
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know me a little bit, you know.
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But I'm missing out on a lot of things, and I'm sitting here,
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you know. I just need to recharge, and that's the reason why I'm going home
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next month. I'm going home next month for a number of reasons.
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One, to go to Duke, get the second opinion, see if I can get in a trial.
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And I'm going to spend time with my grandbabies. I haven't seen them for a year
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at least, and it's too long.
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So the update is, and this is what I'm asking family. Everybody that's listening
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to this right now, this is what I'm asking you.
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I'm going to see if I can put it in the form of a happily decent question.
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If this was you, if this was you, and you were cancer, you have pancreatic cancer,
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this is your three rounds away from 12 rounds, okay?
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With everything that has come with this, the anxiety, the emotions,
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the loss, you know, all that.
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And between that and going home to be with family because you just never know with cancer.
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You never know this kind of thing.
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And it's like, do you stay in a place to where you're constantly full of anxiety,
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where you're emotional all the time,
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whether, you know, and, you know, you're fighting whether or not you're going
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to finish up whatever treatment that you're going to finish up by yourself.
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Keep that in mind, not just the treatment itself, but to do it by yourself.
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Or do you hang out or go and be with family, you know, and go another route,
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you know, as far as that is concerned?
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What would you do if you were me?
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I'm literally asking for feedback because I don't know. But what would you do if it was you?
00:18:30.778 --> 00:18:38.918
Would you, would you, would you, would you, you know, go the family route? or would you stay here?
00:18:39.398 --> 00:18:46.018
Hey, if you got an answer for me, listen, email me, knuckleheadchroniclespodcast at gmail.com.
00:18:46.358 --> 00:18:51.278
You can now go to the website of knuckleheadchronicles.cloud,
00:18:51.378 --> 00:18:56.378
not .com, .cloud, C-L-O-U-D, all right?
00:18:56.598 --> 00:18:59.938
I got a little, that website was a little bit cheaper. Anyway.
00:19:01.558 --> 00:19:04.418
Cloud, knuckleheadchronicles.cloud.
00:19:05.258 --> 00:19:11.378
Go to the website. And leave me a message. Leave me something. Let me know.
00:19:12.398 --> 00:19:15.998
I would love to hear from you guys. So I'm going to get out of here.
00:19:16.098 --> 00:19:18.538
I want to thank you guys for listening to this episode of the podcast.
00:19:18.938 --> 00:19:21.738
I really appreciate you. I'm not sure what episode this is.
00:19:21.818 --> 00:19:26.338
I think it's episode nine of this podcast. But actually, it's just a random
00:19:26.338 --> 00:19:28.878
episode because I woke up late.
00:19:29.078 --> 00:19:33.978
And I said, I want to get me a podcast episode. I haven't done one in two weeks. So here I am.
00:19:35.478 --> 00:19:39.498
But I'll leave you there. I mean, what's your, what would you do?
00:19:40.078 --> 00:19:43.078
What would you do? All right. I'll see you guys next time.
00:19:46.160 --> 00:20:18.208
Music.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:32.400
Music.
00:00:34.969 --> 00:00:39.269
And what's excuse me what's going on you guys welcome to another episode of
00:00:39.269 --> 00:00:43.709
nookahead chronicles podcast it is your boy terry man it has been a while so
00:00:43.709 --> 00:00:47.969
i've done one of these uh these are uh a couple of weeks anyway i kind of took
00:00:47.969 --> 00:00:50.169
a hiatus because i got i've been going through a lot of,
00:00:50.789 --> 00:00:53.829
emotional changes and thoughts and stuff and i
00:00:53.829 --> 00:00:57.009
said i'm gonna take me a couple of weeks and just kind of develop
00:00:57.009 --> 00:01:00.289
my thoughts and see what i was going to say on this episode and
00:01:00.289 --> 00:01:04.869
what i'm going to do in this episode is I'm going to take a break from spinning
00:01:04.869 --> 00:01:11.989
the block because the next chapter of spinning the block kind of goes into the
00:01:11.989 --> 00:01:17.429
last marriage and things of that nature. And that's a story.
00:01:17.849 --> 00:01:21.029
That's a story in a series, you know, all in itself.
00:01:21.549 --> 00:01:28.209
And we'll get into that. But this one is going to be kind of a cancer update and all that.
00:01:28.529 --> 00:01:33.009
And just to kind of get some feedback from my, from my listeners.
00:01:33.809 --> 00:01:36.689
I'll tell you what, you guys, I've really been going through a lot,
00:01:36.809 --> 00:01:43.389
you know, with this cancer journey and, you know, with the pancreatic cancer
00:01:43.389 --> 00:01:47.029
being, you know, one of the most aggressive cancers.
00:01:47.029 --> 00:01:52.389
This is, you know, you're entering, I'm entering a, excuse me,
00:01:53.089 --> 00:01:58.209
I'm entering a realm of, you know, a little bit of fear because things happen
00:01:58.209 --> 00:02:01.989
so fast and things can, you know, can escalate.
00:02:02.489 --> 00:02:06.189
I've had some, you know, over just over the last couple of weeks,
00:02:06.349 --> 00:02:10.189
you know, there have been people that I went to high school with.
00:02:10.709 --> 00:02:17.189
One of my high school best friends, shout out to Bobby Pratt and his family.
00:02:18.049 --> 00:02:23.849
Bobby passed away some time ago. So then I had another friend of mine,
00:02:23.949 --> 00:02:26.569
her daughter passed away a couple weeks ago.
00:02:26.769 --> 00:02:31.769
And so when you hear stories like that and people that you went to school with
00:02:31.769 --> 00:02:35.469
and whether it be the person you went to school with or whether it's a parent
00:02:35.469 --> 00:02:37.589
or someone that you went to school with,
00:02:37.709 --> 00:02:44.069
it's hard and it's scary because all these folks that have passed away,
00:02:44.329 --> 00:02:48.449
passed away from some sort of cancer, whether it be ovarian.
00:02:48.449 --> 00:02:54.069
I'm not sure what Bobby had, but I know, you know, and these talks are gone and I'm still here.
00:02:54.209 --> 00:02:56.709
And I think to myself going, OK, God, what are you trying to say?
00:02:57.129 --> 00:03:00.689
Fifty years old, you know, living with this pancreatic cancer,
00:03:00.809 --> 00:03:07.549
even though the chemo that I'm doing is keeping the cancer from spreading.
00:03:08.438 --> 00:03:11.958
You know, I'm starting to warn them if we're going to be cancer free.
00:03:12.198 --> 00:03:14.358
You know, that's kind of that's kind of one of the scary things.
00:03:15.978 --> 00:03:25.538
And so many issues has arised emotionally, like, you know, what kind of father can I be to my son?
00:03:25.718 --> 00:03:28.358
You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm going through these I'm going through these
00:03:28.358 --> 00:03:30.498
these changes and these treatments.
00:03:30.498 --> 00:03:37.638
And, you know, I'm not able to be that, you know, active, you know,
00:03:37.918 --> 00:03:41.218
because these treatments have me down in the dumps.
00:03:41.338 --> 00:03:45.738
I mean, these things are really hard to come by, you know, really hard to fester,
00:03:46.038 --> 00:03:50.798
you know, all the things are really hard to deal with because my son is very
00:03:50.798 --> 00:03:54.698
active and he is a ball of energy.
00:03:55.038 --> 00:03:58.438
And there are times when I do have him that I just can't keep up.
00:03:59.138 --> 00:04:03.238
And, you know, it's hard for me. It really is hard for me. So just to give you
00:04:03.238 --> 00:04:05.698
guys a little bit of an update of the cancer journey, okay?
00:04:06.458 --> 00:04:13.018
I have, I am currently, I am currently halting chemotherapy.
00:04:13.578 --> 00:04:18.718
I am, just so you guys know, you know, I am in round nine, well,
00:04:18.798 --> 00:04:22.618
actually going into round 10. I only have three more rounds to go.
00:04:23.198 --> 00:04:29.618
And so I think what happened to me, guys, is that my emotions got the best of
00:04:29.618 --> 00:04:35.618
me because, you know, I really don't want to do it because of some of the after effects.
00:04:35.738 --> 00:04:40.398
And a lot of the after effects that I get are just like I told my doctors today.
00:04:41.518 --> 00:04:48.578
You know, some of the after effects that I have are minor in comparison to some
00:04:48.578 --> 00:04:54.638
people that have it Because a lot of times people that are going through chemo are older folks,
00:04:55.238 --> 00:05:01.178
60 and 70-year-olds that are going through chemo, and then chemo really attacks
00:05:01.178 --> 00:05:02.318
them and it really hurts them.
00:05:02.658 --> 00:05:09.278
And for me, chemo hasn't really been that bad other than the nausea and the
00:05:09.278 --> 00:05:11.078
fatigue, which they give me medication for.
00:05:12.058 --> 00:05:16.458
So a lot of, with me, I get a lot of sensitivity to cold.
00:05:17.238 --> 00:05:22.658
After I get an infusion or a treatment, I can't drink anything cold for a while.
00:05:22.918 --> 00:05:26.138
It takes me like a week to get back to normal, kind of, sort of,
00:05:26.738 --> 00:05:29.958
because of a medication that I take during my chemo.
00:05:30.118 --> 00:05:36.318
It gives me sensitivity to cold where I can't drink or hold anything or go into
00:05:36.318 --> 00:05:37.918
the freezer or anything like that.
00:05:37.918 --> 00:05:44.118
And that's annoying because when I try to drink something that is not room temperature,
00:05:44.258 --> 00:05:45.758
it's actually chilled or cold,
00:05:45.958 --> 00:05:51.338
it tastes like, it feels like razor blades on my lips and going down my throat,
00:05:51.478 --> 00:05:53.658
which I really, really hate. I hate that.
00:05:54.058 --> 00:05:58.918
So that's, you know, when I say those symptoms or those after effects are actually
00:05:58.918 --> 00:06:00.998
minor in comparison because...
00:06:02.029 --> 00:06:07.229
You know, you used to, you know, it's hard not to be able to drink something. You know what I mean?
00:06:07.649 --> 00:06:11.209
Room temperature is good depending on what you're drinking. I mean,
00:06:11.369 --> 00:06:21.469
if you're drinking, you know, a tea or something, nobody wants to drink room temperature tea.
00:06:21.549 --> 00:06:23.689
It tastes like mop water. Nobody wants that, right?
00:06:25.249 --> 00:06:30.329
Now, room temperature water, plain water, bottled water, I can do that.
00:06:31.609 --> 00:06:36.569
But it's that I've gotten used to and now so that really bothered me to drink
00:06:36.569 --> 00:06:39.449
warm temperature water but anything else it's like come on man,
00:06:40.669 --> 00:06:46.869
I just will not drink anything I just drink I really just drink air and you know,
00:06:48.109 --> 00:06:49.669
live on hopes and wishes.
00:06:50.929 --> 00:06:55.529
But yeah those symptoms like I said they pale in comparison to some people that
00:06:55.529 --> 00:07:00.889
are older and taking chemotherapy so I've been blessed and been lucky.
00:07:01.829 --> 00:07:07.609
But, you know, in this season to where I'm entering this, you know,
00:07:07.669 --> 00:07:08.669
there's a lot of anxiety.
00:07:08.829 --> 00:07:11.309
There's a lot of, you know, I really don't want to do this.
00:07:11.589 --> 00:07:18.929
I know that my next step is going to be radiation because my tumor has so much
00:07:18.929 --> 00:07:23.589
pain and involvement, you know, with my liver and my gallbladder and all that jazz.
00:07:24.498 --> 00:07:30.698
The tumor is unresectable. So right now, even though the chemo has shrunk down
00:07:30.698 --> 00:07:36.618
the tumor to where, you know, it shrunk it a little bit, but it's not enough
00:07:36.618 --> 00:07:38.218
to where they can go in and resect it.
00:07:38.378 --> 00:07:44.158
And even if it has shrunk, there is still a lot of extensive vein involvement
00:07:44.158 --> 00:07:48.398
that the tumor is doing, which makes it unresectable.
00:07:49.378 --> 00:07:53.958
So that was one of the things I was like, man, you know, if it's unrespectable,
00:07:54.338 --> 00:07:56.318
three more rounds isn't going to do it.
00:07:56.658 --> 00:08:02.218
You know, it's going to shrink it to the point where they can go in and do surgery.
00:08:02.818 --> 00:08:05.138
So radiation is going to be the next step for me.
00:08:07.478 --> 00:08:13.378
Because I think they're telling me that radiation isn't going to,
00:08:13.478 --> 00:08:18.678
you know, I was informed today, The radiation really isn't going to take care of it, like kill it.
00:08:18.918 --> 00:08:23.698
But I think it's going to kill it to the point where at some point down the
00:08:23.698 --> 00:08:28.758
road, I'll be able to do surgery and get rid of it and be cancer-free.
00:08:29.018 --> 00:08:34.058
But the chemo, what I found out today, the chemo is actually keeping the tumor
00:08:34.058 --> 00:08:39.658
spreading, which I've had no spreading. I had no metastasis to any body part
00:08:39.658 --> 00:08:42.538
other than the head of my pancreas.
00:08:42.898 --> 00:08:48.098
So I've been blessed there. and really lucky there to not have any kind of spread.
00:08:48.478 --> 00:08:53.398
So like I said, I put a halt to chemo for the time being.
00:08:53.718 --> 00:08:58.918
I'm actually going on vacation next month. I'm going back home to North Carolina,
00:08:59.018 --> 00:09:03.138
going to have a visit with Duke University and see if there are any trials that
00:09:03.138 --> 00:09:11.558
they can do for me because there may be a move from Missouri back home in the very near future.
00:09:11.678 --> 00:09:18.618
But, you know, that's kind of up in the air because if Duke doesn't have any trials for me,
00:09:19.331 --> 00:09:23.831
So, it's most likely that I'll stay here during my radiation because my radiation
00:09:23.831 --> 00:09:28.371
will only be five and a half weeks and I'll be done with radiation.
00:09:30.251 --> 00:09:36.211
So, you just don't know. It's kind of up in the air. But there's a lot of emotion
00:09:36.211 --> 00:09:41.511
behind it because me moving back to North Carolina means that I'll be away from my son,
00:09:41.971 --> 00:09:48.231
which I'm not, you know, entirely sold on the idea of leaving Terry Jr.
00:09:49.111 --> 00:09:54.211
But my health is important to me. It's important to him. It's important to my
00:09:54.211 --> 00:09:56.471
grown daughters. It's important to my grandkids.
00:09:56.691 --> 00:10:04.451
So my health is important. So I got to make sure that I do the best thing for me and all that.
00:10:04.651 --> 00:10:08.291
I think that we can still, I think that, you know, two adults,
00:10:08.551 --> 00:10:11.371
you know, me and his mother, I think we can still have some kind of,
00:10:11.531 --> 00:10:16.011
you know, hopefully we can have some kind of meeting in the middle.
00:10:16.011 --> 00:10:21.311
And I'll still get them during the summer and the summers and things of that
00:10:21.311 --> 00:10:23.551
nature and that's yet to be seen too.
00:10:23.931 --> 00:10:29.871
We haven't had that conversation so she's currently on vacation so we haven't
00:10:29.871 --> 00:10:33.331
had that conversation and probably won't have it until after I come back.
00:10:33.571 --> 00:10:41.831
So it's still up in the air but I got to tell you and another main reason about
00:10:41.831 --> 00:10:44.971
possibly transferring back to North Carolina is that.
00:10:46.011 --> 00:10:50.351
The only reason why, another reason why I would do it is because I have absolutely
00:10:50.351 --> 00:10:52.511
no support here. Now, I have a roommate.
00:10:53.031 --> 00:10:56.951
Just so you guys know, I have a roommate, Nick. He's a really cool guy.
00:10:57.751 --> 00:11:05.011
But Nick has his own life, you know, and the support that I need during this journey, he's just not.
00:11:05.331 --> 00:11:10.311
Right now, he has his own stuff. So I don't really, you know,
00:11:10.931 --> 00:11:14.491
expect for him to kind of just drop what he's doing to support me.
00:11:14.711 --> 00:11:15.771
That's not, you know what I mean?
00:11:16.011 --> 00:11:20.971
So outside of that, I really don't have any, you know, I don't have any family
00:11:20.971 --> 00:11:22.731
support. I don't have anybody, you know.
00:11:23.383 --> 00:11:32.123
On my side. And it's tough. If you are listening to this and if you really went
00:11:32.123 --> 00:11:37.563
through anything and having to go through that thing alone, that's a hard piece.
00:11:38.663 --> 00:11:48.363
It's not, you know, some days I'm okay and I can get up and I can function like
00:11:48.363 --> 00:11:51.263
normal, but I don't leave my house.
00:11:51.583 --> 00:11:55.523
You know, I don't really go anywhere unless I'm asked to go someplace.
00:11:56.783 --> 00:12:06.083
Voluntarily, I don't go nowhere. I spend 95% of my time in my bed, not on the edge of it,
00:12:06.363 --> 00:12:12.343
not in my bed under the cover, 95% of the time, because this thing has just
00:12:12.343 --> 00:12:17.203
really beaten me down and the decisions that I have to make and what's going forward.
00:12:17.463 --> 00:12:19.543
And it's hard. It's a hard piece.
00:12:20.163 --> 00:12:24.283
I get some people that they'll, I got some folks in my circle that'll call me
00:12:24.283 --> 00:12:31.963
every now and then, text me every now and then, you know, people that have encouraging words to say.
00:12:33.203 --> 00:12:37.243
And that's all, you know, but there are thousands of miles away.
00:12:37.343 --> 00:12:40.743
There are hundreds of miles away, but I don't have anybody in my face,
00:12:40.743 --> 00:12:44.403
you know, and I know that probably sounds weak or whatever. But,
00:12:44.843 --> 00:12:47.563
you know, for me, you know, I'm just one of those folks.
00:12:48.543 --> 00:12:54.103
Once my ex decided that I was no longer a priority and she stopped and she finally
00:12:54.103 --> 00:13:00.583
decided to stop supporting me, it really became difficult.
00:13:00.863 --> 00:13:05.443
And I pushed through for a while, you know. So I got there, I got to round nine
00:13:05.443 --> 00:13:11.943
and I did nine rounds of, you know, eight, eight rounds of chemo after she decided
00:13:11.943 --> 00:13:14.223
she wasn't going to deal with me no more.
00:13:14.963 --> 00:13:21.443
It was like I made it through and then I got to round nine and then some stuff
00:13:21.443 --> 00:13:26.203
at the hospital started happening where I do my, I do my chemo.
00:13:26.703 --> 00:13:29.303
I don't know if I got, I don't know if I updated you guys or told you guys,
00:13:29.423 --> 00:13:33.163
but I'll give you one story in particular. Now, I want you to give you a little
00:13:33.163 --> 00:13:36.203
bit of backdrop for this, a little bit of backdrop for this.
00:13:37.084 --> 00:13:39.944
I already have anxiety as it is.
00:13:41.124 --> 00:13:46.244
Anxiety is bad enough. So off the rip, I don't want to be there anyway, right?
00:13:46.964 --> 00:13:50.184
So there's one particular, I think it was round seven, okay?
00:13:50.284 --> 00:13:52.244
I can't remember exactly, round six or seven.
00:13:53.244 --> 00:13:59.184
And I had a nurse who this particular day, I'm not sure if she wanted to be there or not.
00:13:59.264 --> 00:14:01.984
I don't know if she's having a bad day or whether her boyfriend broke up with her.
00:14:02.064 --> 00:14:05.524
I don't know what happened this day. But she just really, she did,
00:14:05.704 --> 00:14:07.984
she really seemed disconnected.
00:14:09.484 --> 00:14:13.504
So I get three medications during my chemo. Okay.
00:14:14.284 --> 00:14:18.924
And each one of those medications has a time limit, not a time limit, but a runtime.
00:14:19.584 --> 00:14:25.504
And so this one medication, she gave me the first one that has a two hour runtime. I think it is.
00:14:25.584 --> 00:14:28.164
And then I have another one that's a 90 minute runtime.
00:14:29.604 --> 00:14:33.164
And so there's one particular time she put in, she put the second medication
00:14:33.164 --> 00:14:39.984
in on the hook on my medication and she let it run, you know,
00:14:40.304 --> 00:14:42.044
let it run a normal run time.
00:14:42.044 --> 00:14:46.364
She comes back to me because it's time for her to take it off because it's time
00:14:46.364 --> 00:14:50.484
and I've sat there for two hours,
00:14:51.484 --> 00:14:57.224
thinking that medication was going through my port and come to find out this
00:14:57.224 --> 00:14:59.684
nurse didn't even cut the machine on.
00:15:00.504 --> 00:15:05.584
So for two hours, I sat there. So guess what? I had to sit there for the two
00:15:05.584 --> 00:15:08.384
hours with no medication. Then I had to wait.
00:15:08.964 --> 00:15:12.824
And then, so they'll run. So it's another two hours that I'm there.
00:15:13.924 --> 00:15:19.904
And infusion day is a long day anyway. So any kind of delay makes it a longer day.
00:15:20.104 --> 00:15:25.524
You know, this particular day, I went in at 8.30 in the morning. to do my blood work.
00:15:26.284 --> 00:15:31.204
And I didn't leave that hospital until about 6.45, 7 o'clock p.m.
00:15:31.564 --> 00:15:36.744
So I was very unhappy about that. I told my oncologist, he's very unhappy about that.
00:15:36.864 --> 00:15:40.004
And it's just little stuff like that.
00:15:40.624 --> 00:15:43.464
So it's like, I don't want to go through all this.
00:15:43.684 --> 00:15:46.944
You know, especially by myself, I don't want to do it. I just don't.
00:15:46.944 --> 00:15:57.784
And my dilemma is do I want to be around family my daughters my grandkids I
00:15:57.784 --> 00:16:01.524
haven't seen my grandkids grow you know I haven't seen my grandkids grow my grandkids.
00:16:02.777 --> 00:16:06.517
My youngest daughter's kids barely know who I am.
00:16:06.837 --> 00:16:11.277
Now, my oldest daughter, Amina, now Amina knows who I am.
00:16:11.397 --> 00:16:13.997
You know, she knows I'm grandpa and all that good stuff. But,
00:16:14.417 --> 00:16:18.137
you know, my youngest daughter, her kid barely know me.
00:16:18.417 --> 00:16:24.137
Now, our oldest son and our oldest daughter, her only daughter,
00:16:24.617 --> 00:16:26.977
know me a little bit, you know.
00:16:27.097 --> 00:16:31.357
But I'm missing out on a lot of things, and I'm sitting here,
00:16:31.917 --> 00:16:34.797
you know. I just need to recharge, and that's the reason why I'm going home
00:16:34.797 --> 00:16:37.377
next month. I'm going home next month for a number of reasons.
00:16:37.517 --> 00:16:42.557
One, to go to Duke, get the second opinion, see if I can get in a trial.
00:16:43.137 --> 00:16:47.197
And I'm going to spend time with my grandbabies. I haven't seen them for a year
00:16:47.197 --> 00:16:49.957
at least, and it's too long.
00:16:51.897 --> 00:16:57.397
So the update is, and this is what I'm asking family. Everybody that's listening
00:16:57.397 --> 00:16:59.737
to this right now, this is what I'm asking you.
00:17:00.617 --> 00:17:05.737
I'm going to see if I can put it in the form of a happily decent question.
00:17:06.357 --> 00:17:15.017
If this was you, if this was you, and you were cancer, you have pancreatic cancer,
00:17:15.117 --> 00:17:19.477
this is your three rounds away from 12 rounds, okay?
00:17:19.957 --> 00:17:24.157
With everything that has come with this, the anxiety, the emotions,
00:17:24.497 --> 00:17:27.717
the loss, you know, all that.
00:17:29.157 --> 00:17:36.097
And between that and going home to be with family because you just never know with cancer.
00:17:36.097 --> 00:17:38.377
You never know this kind of thing.
00:17:38.697 --> 00:17:48.417
And it's like, do you stay in a place to where you're constantly full of anxiety,
00:17:48.677 --> 00:17:50.817
where you're emotional all the time,
00:17:51.797 --> 00:17:56.837
whether, you know, and, you know, you're fighting whether or not you're going
00:17:56.837 --> 00:18:01.337
to finish up whatever treatment that you're going to finish up by yourself.
00:18:02.037 --> 00:18:07.717
Keep that in mind, not just the treatment itself, but to do it by yourself.
00:18:08.998 --> 00:18:18.098
Or do you hang out or go and be with family, you know, and go another route,
00:18:18.098 --> 00:18:20.318
you know, as far as that is concerned?
00:18:20.598 --> 00:18:23.098
What would you do if you were me?
00:18:23.838 --> 00:18:30.058
I'm literally asking for feedback because I don't know. But what would you do if it was you?
00:18:30.778 --> 00:18:38.918
Would you, would you, would you, would you, you know, go the family route? or would you stay here?
00:18:39.398 --> 00:18:46.018
Hey, if you got an answer for me, listen, email me, knuckleheadchroniclespodcast at gmail.com.
00:18:46.358 --> 00:18:51.278
You can now go to the website of knuckleheadchronicles.cloud,
00:18:51.378 --> 00:18:56.378
not .com, .cloud, C-L-O-U-D, all right?
00:18:56.598 --> 00:18:59.938
I got a little, that website was a little bit cheaper. Anyway.
00:19:01.558 --> 00:19:04.418
Cloud, knuckleheadchronicles.cloud.
00:19:05.258 --> 00:19:11.378
Go to the website. And leave me a message. Leave me something. Let me know.
00:19:12.398 --> 00:19:15.998
I would love to hear from you guys. So I'm going to get out of here.
00:19:16.098 --> 00:19:18.538
I want to thank you guys for listening to this episode of the podcast.
00:19:18.938 --> 00:19:21.738
I really appreciate you. I'm not sure what episode this is.
00:19:21.818 --> 00:19:26.338
I think it's episode nine of this podcast. But actually, it's just a random
00:19:26.338 --> 00:19:28.878
episode because I woke up late.
00:19:29.078 --> 00:19:33.978
And I said, I want to get me a podcast episode. I haven't done one in two weeks. So here I am.
00:19:35.478 --> 00:19:39.498
But I'll leave you there. I mean, what's your, what would you do?
00:19:40.078 --> 00:19:43.078
What would you do? All right. I'll see you guys next time.
00:19:46.160 --> 00:20:18.208
Music.
