Closing the Divorce Chronicles: A Journey Through Heartache and Healing

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All right, welcome to another episode of the Knucklehead Chronicles,

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you guys. It has been a minute since I've done one of these.

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I promise you guys, I'm going to be more consistent.

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Life has really been crazy over the last couple of months or so.

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So I am going to bring the Divorce Chronicles to an end, and we're going to

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move on and do other things after this particular podcast episode because I

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just need to get it off my chest.

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So stay tuned. It's going to be a little bit lengthy, so I hope you don't leave

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me. But we're going to get it crunk in just a second.

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Music.

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Go Ahead Chronicles Podcast.

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And welcome back, man. Listen, I missed you guys.

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I just want you to know, sitting behind my computer and sitting behind my mic,

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I really missed doing it.

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It has really been a trying time for me in the last couple months.

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So let me just get into it. Now, those of you guys who have been listening to

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this podcast and following me for a little while know that I recently just got divorced.

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Well, it was finalized last month, early part of last month.

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And, you know, I'll say this, is that I have, this is, this here,

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divorce has really taught me a few things, right?

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It's taught me how to be more honest.

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It's taught me how to bring things to fruition and just, you know,

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just start talking, you know.

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But what I will never do again is I will probably never, ever,

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ever waste anyone's time.

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I went through a different gauntlet of emotions. Now, when we first split,

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all the emotions were in it when we first split because everybody's mad at each other.

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You a son of a bitch. You this and you that. And a lot of emotions were in it.

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But I will tell you that going through divorce court and speaking with the judge,

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let me tell you something about the, let me tell you something about these judges,

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man, let me tell you something about the state of Missouri.

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Okay. Let me get one thing clear.

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The state of Missouri don't give a damn what's going on in your life.

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Like they don't care if you got car payments, they don't care if you got bills, they don't care.

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And I just could never understand that. That's another podcast altogether. But.

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I want to know, but I will ask this question and maybe somebody can answer it for me.

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Can somebody please tell me how the government or the judges or whoever can

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assign a child support or a spouse support order based on the gross amount of

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money you make? Now, we're grown.

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We're adults. We, you know, those of us who are listening.

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Since when do you bring home your gross pay?

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Like, since when does that happen? That doesn't happen. You know,

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you don't bring, you bring home your net. So this is after your insurance.

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This is after, this is after insurance.

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This is after taxes. Cause they all, you know, Uncle Sam come for the po folks first.

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So since when, you know, and so I never could understand that.

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I will say this divorce court was hard and I'll tell you what it was what it

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was hard was because my ex-wife.

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Really put it on thick in in front of the judge and you know You know and I'm

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not saying that she wasn't you know warranted for her feelings But I think she

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I think she put a little extra stank on it in front of the judge,

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And then she she ended her testimony with you know, I'm not looking for you

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know I'm not looking for a refuge.

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I'm just, you know, and so I feel, I felt like at that time,

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I felt like that she was playing on the judges and emotions, right?

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But we're going to get to the gist of, you know, all this in a minute.

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And so I'm sitting in, I'm sitting in the courtroom looking at the judge,

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like, yo, here's my check stuff. This is what I make.

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You know, she's won, you know, X amount of dollars.

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We're not going to get into all that, but she won an X amount of dollars.

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And I'm like, man, I can't afford that.

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You know? And I, and so I'm telling her and because she, I'm the one that's working.

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My son, you know, with him being special needs, you know, he required a bit more, more attention.

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So I get it. You know, she's his full-time care, full-time caregiver.

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You know, I get it. Right. But at the end of the day, I still can't afford what

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you're asking me, you know, but anyway, neither here nor there,

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the judge said, screw, screw you, excuse me, just hit screw you, you're going to do this.

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But she did not give us a judgment that day.

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It took about two weeks to get a final judgment.

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And the reason why,

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I have to bring this to a close and close this chapter was because when I got

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my divorce decree, you know, those of us who have been divorced,

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you know, your divorce decree is the final step. That's it, right?

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That's when you open the manila envelope and you read the contents of that manila

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envelope and you go, okay, that's it.

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And so I got my divorce decree. And for some reason or another,

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my life changed in that moment, right?

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Reading, you know, not only what I had to pay in spouse support and child support,

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because those things, that's monetary.

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That doesn't mean anything to me because I work for a living, so it isn't, you know.

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What got me was after all the bickering and all the fighting and all the name-calling

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and all of that, But having it on paper changed the game.

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I can't point out, I can't figure out why, though.

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But having it on paper just threw me for a loop.

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And reading all the findings and the finalities, and she went back to her maiden

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name and all that. It was tough.

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Now, the whole time in the beginning, you know, I'm a tough guy.

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You know what I'm saying? I'm a tough guy. I'm like, whatever.

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Feel how you feel. You know what I'm saying?

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Like I said, if you guys have been listening to me long enough,

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you guys know I went through an emotional trauma and almost ended it.

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But, you know, I went through that stage, and then I went through,

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because I did an episode on, I did an episode on the five step,

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the five levels of grief or whatever.

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And I went through it, like, the suicide thoughts, and then I got mad.

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But this is all pre-court. We, you know, we were following motions and all that

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jazz. But then once we went to court and I saw that, you know,

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she didn't give me a lick of grace in court. I mean, she did not, you know.

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And even the week before we got our divorce decree, she was cussing me out and,

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you know, telling me, you know, oh, you want to pay the minimum,

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you want to do the minimum, you want to do this, you want to do that.

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And so when we got our divorce decree, she must have read her wrong because

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she texted me, cussing me out.

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And I don't read a divorce decree. I know what they say, you know what I'm saying?

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And she read it, and she texted me. She cussed me out. I said,

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you see that? I said, no, no, no. You need to go back and read that again.

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Something, because, hey, get somebody to read it for you.

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Because it was, you know, and I remember, you know, one of the text messages

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she sent me, she said, looks like you won.

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You know, you got to do this and that. And I said, are you reading the same

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decree I'm reading? because according to the degree I'm reading, you won.

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But I tried not to see it in the matter or in the means of who won and who lost.

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Because at the end of the day, nobody won, at the end of the day.

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And nobody wins a divorce.

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Don't let nobody fool you and tell you that they do.

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There's no winning in divorce.

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It was hard and it's hard on my son and it's hard on me you know saying because you know we have our,

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weekend drops drop offs and it's tough you know going from you know being being in there,

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being in his life and seeing him every day full time to being

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relegated to just seeing him on weekends you know and we at the weekend it's

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hard i don't know how any parent i you know anybody Anybody that's listening

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that has that kind of arrangement to where you see your kids every other weekend

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or every other Tuesday or however you see it,

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I don't see how any parent can get used to that.

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I don't. I haven't. And we've been doing this since January.

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And six months in, it's still different. It's like I took them home yesterday.

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I had them this weekend. And I'll have them next weekend, too,

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because it's Father's Day.

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But I took him home yesterday and my ex-wife lives on this long dirt road.

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And I dropped him off and I left. And I look in my rearview mirror and I see my son chasing the car.

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And I'm like, oh my God. So my ex-wife, she texted me. She's like, he's running after you.

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And I look in the mirror. I had to back up the car and take him back home and all that.

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And it was crazy. And it's times like that where it's hard, when chop-offs are really hard.

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Sometimes, you know, I can chop him off and he go to his mama and it's good. You know what I mean?

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But it wasn't as good. But getting back to the story.

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So got the divorce decree. Read the divorce decree, instantly got depressed,

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to the point where I stopped taking care of myself.

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I stopped taking my medication. Because those of you that don't know,

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I am a diabetic, full blown. So it's not going to be, there's no,

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you know, well, I'll say, I won't say full blown because I'm not taking any

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kind of insulin or anything like that.

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You know i'm gonna die back i'll say that and so i got to the point where the

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weekend that i got my divorce decree i got on a saturday we'll forget it and

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i read it was i read the divorce decree,

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and i said wow the judge really screwed me on this one you know saying i'll

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be i'm gonna be working for the rest of my life trying to pay you know i'll

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face with a career change here in a little bit, and it's, you know.

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I'll do it if I have to, but anyhow, so I got depressed, and I stopped taking my medication.

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Now, for diabetics, when you stop taking your meds, it's bad, right?

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So I remember the weekend that I, the weekend that I got my divorce decree,

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my roommate now, Nick, he just got paid, went to the grocery store,

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bought a whole bunch of sodas, and that's kind of what we do, or did.

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So he had his Mountain Dews, and I had my Pepsis, and, you know,

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And so this one particular weekend, man, I, I, when I tell you,

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I gorged myself, I gorged myself on my Pepsi.

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I mean, I drunk in that one weekend. I know I downed two cases in two days,

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you know, just because it was something to do.

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And I was depressed and I would, you know, I take my meds.

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Here's the problem with that. I, I had tore my body apart and I didn't even

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realize what I was doing.

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And so I had a friend of mine fly in from North Carolina, Miss Courtney.

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You guys have heard about her.

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And I, you know, I did a episode about her some years ago.

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So Courtney flew in to see me and we hadn't seen each other in a couple of years.

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Hadn't been home in a while. And so she flew in.

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I drove up to Kansas City to see her.

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And for some reason, man, my body just wasn't right. Now, I had already knew

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something was wrong because I had frequent urination.

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I had the obsessive dry mouth.

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I could never get satisfied as far as drinking anything.

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So she came to Kansas City, and I flew up, and we...

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We spent the weekend together just chilling, you know, catching up and all that.

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And I just not, I did not have any kind of energy. Excuse me.

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I didn't have any energy to do anything.

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Like, I was just, we went, I picked her up from the airport.

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We went to the hotel room.

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And as soon as I saw the bed, I was out. I could not function.

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It's a two and a half hour drive for me from where I live to Kansas City.

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So I was just out of sorts. sorts, I couldn't, I couldn't think,

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I was sweating, I knew I had lost some weight, people have been telling me,

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oh, you know, Terry, it looks like you lost some weight, da-da-da.

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But this particular weekend, I really, I noticed it, right, so I'm walking past a mirror,

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and I look, I said, man, I look terrible, like, I look sick,

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really, for real, and everything that I wore, it was, it was falling off of

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me, right, so I had no idea, you know, what was going on. I still haven't had any idea.

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And so, and then everything I ate, it tasted crummy. You know,

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it was just, it was a terrible, terrible weekend.

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So, that Friday night, we went to a Royals game. Anybody know anything about

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me? No, I'm a huge Royals fan.

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And so I went to a Royals game and that was tough.

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You know, my favorite team and I just could not function.

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And so we ended up, you know, getting out of there And we were talking about

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febrile urination to where I had to sit on the end of the row so I can get to

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the bathroom, because I was going to the bathroom every 20 minutes. It was just that bad.

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And so we made it through.

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She left that Sunday. We went to brunch and she got on her plane and she left.

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But it was just real. My body was just real. I didn't have any idea, right?

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So Monday came, rolled around, and I said, I got to go to the doctor.

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I don't know what's going on.

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Because this frequent urination, this is ridiculous.

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Like, we're not talking about piddles. We're talking about wheel streams every 30 minutes. It was bad.

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So I go to the doctor on Monday. I got one of those sick appointments,

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right? So I got to see her the same day.

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Get to the doctor and she says oh my god. What have you done?

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What you said to me? And I was like you talking about you know say I you know

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I had some I had some some sodas whatever she's like look your a1c It's thirteen point four you should be,

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And for my age group and my weight or whatever I should I should have been my a1c should be down,

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between five and six she said your A1C is 13.4 she said that your blood the

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blood in your body right now is running through your veins like molasses that's

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the reason why you can't that's the reason why you have fatigue,

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that's the reason why that you're going through the frequent urination and all

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that good stuff and I was like wow,

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like I really didn't have a clue and so.

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She still didn't really check my sugar at the time she just told me my A1C was

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high you know, here's your meds, you know, go about your business,

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take care of yourself, and we'll see you in a month, right?

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So I went to work the next day, this was Tuesday, went to work the next day.

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And I'm the medical officer in my prison.

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So, you know, if you ever go to prison, don't go to prison, but if you ever

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go to prison, and if you come to the medical department, see the ER or the doctor

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or whatever, that's my spot.

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So I go to the doctor, I go to work the next day, And the doctor, Dr.

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Garcia, he said, hey, you don't look good. Check your blood sugar real quick.

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And I was like, okay, because we have diabetics in prison.

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And so I went and got one of those blood sugar kits and all that.

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And I checked it, and my blood sugar was 400.

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The med pass nurse was like, if

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you don't get out of here and go to the doctor, then go to the hospital.

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At that point, I got blurry. I got blurry vision.

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I got, you know, you know, I had a lot of, I had a lot of issues going on and

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she's like, you need to leave.

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And so I left, ended up going to the ER.

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I spent seven hours in the ER. They gave me two, two, two bouts of insulin,

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two bags of fluids and a long visit. And so, and I bill.

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And so they got it, they got my sugar down to 322, sent me home. And so.

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I just was not aware of my health.

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Before this sugar episode, I was wearing glasses, and I still wear them,

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but it's just now that I can see better without them than I can with them since

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the sugar episodes, which is crazy.

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So I said all of that to say this.

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If you are a diabetic listening to this, man, please take your meds.

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If you have anybody in your family that's a diabetic that's probably lost limbs

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and, you know, stuff like that, I got a friend of mine back home, Freddie.

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I think he lost both of his feet, if I'm not mistaken, or maybe just one, behind diabetes.

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So make sure you take your meds. And I definitely take mine.

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I take my sugar on a regular.

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I try to watch what I eat as far as that goes. But that Friday,

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I'll say this, that Friday when I was in Kansas City, I thought I was on the

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door of death, like legit.

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I actually called my daughters and was like, hey, I'm going to give you Nick's number, my roommate.

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And if I don't wake up, if I don't, you know, whatever. I mean,

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it was serious. It was that serious. That's how bad I felt.

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So, again, I say all that to say this is that make sure you take care of your marriage.

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And I should not have let my life circumstances take me to that place to where

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I wasn't taking care of myself because she living life fine.

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You know what I'm saying?

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And I was sitting up here struggling and being depressed and all that jazz.

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And so, like I said, I'm back on my regimen. I'm back doing what I'm supposed

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to do with my stuff. And I think the last time I checked my sugar, it was like 150.

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So I'm good. I'm good. So yeah. Listen, life is life.

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As much as you want, because you're the only person, you hear this cliche a

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lot, you know, you are the author of your destiny, and this is true.

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Don't let life take you to where you forget who you are and you forget how to take care of yourself.

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And that's the mistake that I made, is that I totally forgot who I was.

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I let the circumstances of my situation dictate how I take care of myself.

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Because literally at one point or another, I gave up and I said,

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I don't want to do this anymore.

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But I got a seven-year-old son to look after. He loves his daddy.

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And I love him. You know what I mean? So don't let life circumstances Faces take you out.

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About you. Don't do that. Don't get distracted with life. I mean, it happens.

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We hurt.

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Life is, I can't even describe it.

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Life is it could be amazing. It could be amazing and beautiful and it could be a pain.

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I'd rather live it than not.

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But to put a bow on this, the worst chronicles was them.

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To my ex, if she's listening to this, which she probably, she doesn't,

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because she never supported anything I've done, but if she ever catches this,

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I just want you to know that I'm, you know, I apologize.

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I'm sorry that I caused you so much pain over the years, and,

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you know, it's over, you know, and I wish you nothing but the best. I want you to be happy.

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I want everybody involved to be happy. Hell, I want to be happy.

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At the end of the day, I just don't want you to be the only one happy.

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Shit, I want to be happy too.

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But life is what it is. And everyone who enters your life is there for a reason or a season.

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They're either there to pick something up from you.

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They're there to pick something. They're there for you to pick something up

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from them. There's always a reason for someone into your life.

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Nothing in this life is by happenstance.

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So that is what I'm going to leave this with. I'm going to end my divorce chronicles here.

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It was a heck of a ride, nine and a half years.

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Excuse me, is it still painful some days? Yes. I'm not even going to sit here

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and lie to you and say it's not because it is.

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But at the same time, life goes on. People move on.

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Circumstances change. People change. You have to change.

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So in that, I'm going to get out of here.

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I want you guys to I did an interview on Blemish Podcast with Shirah.

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So if you guys get a chance to see that, man, go check that out for me.

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Blemish Podcast with Shirah Marie.

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She's getting divorced. So be on the lookout for that.

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Thank you guys for listening I really appreciate you and until the next time we'll see you on the.

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Music.